"It isn't merely Sex"

Have you ever thought well it's just sex? or it's just a beer? or it's just a one-time-thing for this special occasion? You don't really see it as "wrong" and in some cases the Bible doesn't clearly define if it is or not. Our pastor, Loran Livingston, preached on the verses found in 2 Sam. 23:13-17 (found at the bottom of this blog) and I came to a new realization of what it meant in my own life.

Sometimes you think things are "good" because you have had a great experience with it. Or maybe things just make you feel good- that you couldn't envision yourself without it. Whether it is sex with your boyfriend, or going out for drinks with friends, or something as simple as going to the gym, or shopping...you think if you gave it up for a couple days, a month, a year you would absolutely go INSANE. You would CRAVE it. There are MANY things like that in my life.

Sometimes it's not the "thing" itself that is bad... it's the POSITION you've given it in your life.  Sometimes it IS the "thing" that you KNOW is wrong, but it feels so good and impossible to give up.

I'll be honest with you.... purity is probably the hardest thing for me right now. 'We're in love', 'we talk of marriage', 'we talk about getting engaged soon', etc. Since I have opened that door before, so many under the "wrong" circumstances, I can't help but WANT that intimacy. I can't even begin to explain exactly how hard it is to deny that desire when things get heated between two people who love each other. It has actually brought me to TEARS.

I wrestle with the facts like:  I've done it before, we're in love, no one will know, God will forgive us, but I'm a leader to young girls, a pursuer of living out the Word, an example of change, I always run from my sin and try to cover it up, what if it ruins our relationship, etc. I ask God continually to give us the strength to pursue purity, to be convicted, to envision Jesus with us- not just in our words and the places that we go... but that desire doesn't seem to ever be fully tamed. I become more AWARE of WHY I need to restrain it, the benefits of waiting, and often feeling sorrow when I know I've gone just a little too far. But the desire within isn't what I'm to get rid of... It's the position I give it in my life, it's the time I spend thinking about it, it's the lust I stir up before a marriage commitment, it's causing someone else to stumble, it's knowing that I CAN keep Jesus first, keep his commands, and turn to him in the struggle.

I crave it.

King David is HIDING in a cave, parched. He is CRAVING a glass of water. 3 men risk their lives to bring water back to him, and when he finally has what he has been longing for at his very fingertips.... he pours it out. I thought these verses didn't mean much. I thought how stupid...how rude...BUT preacher revealed to us what it really meant. It was about SACRIFICE, HONOR, REVERENCE, DEPENDENCY- not towards the men or the water, but to God. Saying that he wanted water... almost cost 3 men their LIVES. He CRAVED something that WASN'T the Lord, even though the Lord was WITH HIM in the darkest place of his life.

David said, "this isn't mere water, it's their life-blood." Now I think, "this isn't mere sex, mere time spent at the gym, mere alcohol, mere shopping, it's risking not spending my time in telling others about Jesus by the way I live and the words I speak, risking other's walk with the Lord, risking my witness, showing disobedience, risking the precious blessings he has in store for those who put Him first, it's honoring God with my life, honoring him in the darkness around me, honoring that He calls ME His child.

When I think of it THAT way, I start thinking of a multitude of things I reach out to before Him. I think of what I need to POUR OUT to honor my Father- to be closer to Him, to be holy as He is holy. I think if you don't want to OBEY Him, you don't really LOVE Him. And if you don't LOVE Him, how can you inherit the Kingdom?

"We don't want to give what costs us" -- Loran Livingston
"Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God" Matthew 5:8


2 Sam. 23:
^13-17 One day during harvest, the Three parted from the Thirty and joined David at the Cave of Adullam. A squad of Philistines had set up camp in the Valley of Rephaim. While David was holed up in the Cave, the Philistines had their base camp in Bethlehem. David had a sudden craving and said, "Would I ever like a drink of water from the well at the gate of Bethlehem!" So the Three penetrated the Philistine lines, drew water from the well at the gate of Bethlehem, and brought it back to David. But David wouldn't drink it; he poured it out as an offering to God, saying, "There is no way, God, that I'll drink this! This isn't mere water, it's their life-blood—they risked their very lives to bring it!" So David refused to drink it.

11 months, 12 days sober

I have heard from wise counsel that "anger stems from hurt," and seeming I get so upset from alcohol, I decided to dig deep and see what is REALLY the source-- why do I "HURT" from alcohol? If you think about where alcohol has gotten you, and who'd you be without it- maybe you can relate; if not, at least you'll have a better understanding of how and why I quit drinking.

You never really realize the affect that alcohol can have on your life. You think you're making "memories" but what if you're really making "scars." From the first sip, you can lose yourself. Not just alcohol, but anything you find JOY in can become a stronghold, "a place that serves as the center of the group," a "refuge", your "support" as the dictionary defines it. Among MANY of these that can take away our focus from the Lord and put it on ourselves, alcohol was my first.

Took away my innocence.

Took away my yes's.

Took away my no's.

My outlet.

Quick Fix.

Numbed the pain.

Fogged their name.

Blurred their face.

Let people touch me in ways only a husband should, and I didn't even KNOW them.

No one knew just "ME"... "sober me."

He didn't love me, swear he did, alcohol pushed me in, got me out, and told me i'd be fine.

Alcohol took the BLAME but also BLAMED me too.

I saw my father cry.

I saw my mother hurt.

It broke my relationship that only sisters can have.

Made me happy, made me mean.

Lost more than I ever gained.

A stronghold- something I couldn't do without.

It got between me and prayer, me and the Word, me and church, me and my God.

Took away my passion for serving the Lord.

Felt vile in the holiness of the Lord and my family.

Locked my lips when I needed to speak and opened them when I should've been silent.

Blinded me from my spiritual gifts and talents and I let such beauty go to waste.

I wasn't fulfilling my purpose.

I wrestle with it EVERYDAY.

Delighted in IT more than in the Lord.

Kept me from the church.

Made me feel GUILTY in God's presence.

Condemned when I made it to church hungover.

Strapped down with heavy burdens, hiding who I had become.

Cried for hours about petty things when my heart used to hurt for bigger issues.

Became consumed with me; selfish.

Backstabbed friends, betrayed loyalty, had no meaning to the word "trust."

Relationships lasted as long as the buzz.

Partied all night with you then took your first love.

The tiniest bit of anger towards someone blew up into words that would scar them for life.

Stole the lime light only to take advantage of kindness, and rob them of meaningful friendships.

Almost gave my life to someone I had spent SO much time with, yet knew NOTHING about them.

Contemplated DYING because of that SAME PERSON that I didn't even KNOW.

Emotions out of control.

Always having to prove something.

Blurred memory- was I safe, did I use protection, did I make that call, did I give that advice?

Reassured someone that taking the life of their unborn child was an ok option.

REGRETS.

Took advantage of the people the genuinely cared about me.

Couldn't hold a job, but didn't have money to support myself.

Friends DIED that I PARTIED with, but NEVER shared Jesus or made SURE that they knew they were going to heaven.

Words I can never unsay. Things I can never undo. Texts/messages I can never unsend.

Ruined the best present a 16yr old new driver could ask for!

Rebelled against leaders that truly had my best interest at heart.

Ruined reputation.

Defiled and exposed the body that God gave me- my temple, His image, His child.

Pursued being an object of desire instead of real relationships.

Flaunted and taunted though I'm taught to conceal.

Warped outlook; future in my hands; put thoughts as a "coke addicted stripper in Vegas" like a dream job.

Competed against the Holy Spirit inside of me.

Felt like I was only good for one thing.

Produced "bad fruit" proclaiming the Spirit was not in me.

Severed me as a limb from the tree of Life.

People made excuses for me.

Felt like an unanswered prayer that my Christian friends and family

were constantly praying for.

Let my eyes see filthy rotten things they never should have seen.

Let my heart beat for things it never should have loved.

Let my mind go filthy places it never should have gone.

Made life a game- I wanted to win, I wanted to score, I wanted to chase, nothing deeper.

Everything was gray, nothing was black and white or right and wrong- just depended on the circumstance.

Made people either friends or enemies- no forgiveness, no mercy, all out hatred.

Saw the worst in people and what they were lacking and also in myself.

JUDGED people.

I swore on the Holy Bible that I didn't do something I actually did- I lied under oath, blasphemed God.

Stirred up lust, made my brothers stumble.

That was old, I am NEW.

I want to be sober when my Savior returns.

I want to be ready "in the twinkling of an eye," I want to bow before my King, humbly,

just "ME."

One sip, one night, one phase just may lead to feeling/ doing any of the above OR may cause your sister/brother/ best friend/husband/wife/ gf/ bf to experience these things because you ENCOURAGED that drink. Where does my anger stem from? Who ever would have guessed!? When I see alcohol, smell it, feel it, THIS is where my mind goes- BACK to all those things I did; to that person that I WAS.

Praise God that REPENTANCE has wiped my slate clean! I AM a NEW creation. I AM secure in JUST being ME. 11 months, 12 days sober and getting further and further from where I've been.

1 Peter 3:4"...we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now!"

Mark 3:28 "...There's nothing done or said that can't be forgiven. But if you persist in your slanders against God's Holy Spirit, you are repudiating the very One who forgives, sawing off the branch on which you're sitting, severing by your own perversity all connection with the One who forgives."

1 Peter 1:23 "...Your new life is not like your old life"

Galations 6:1 "If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out."

Where do good friends come from?

Do you ever think you'd be a better Christian if your friends were better Christians? Have you wondered how to even get involved with other believers? Have you wondered where to find genuinely good friends that have your back, that love you unconditionally, that you can talk about God with and not feel like a "bad person"? Have you ever felt lonely, and just wanted a best friend to talk with you and make you feel better?

In highschool, I was involved with Young Life- a christian organization that didn't force religion, condemn students, or feel like a cult of some sort. I think some of the BEST times of my life were here. Christian college students came to our school, invited us to "club" meetings, invested in our lives, poured out their energy and love on us, and shuffled their schedule around to hang out with us, pray for us, make us feel worth something, and continuously letting us know that we were loved by God and that he had great plans for us. At camp, in Saranac, NY, I really found FUN in fellowship, fun in God, deeper relationships, and a time I would never forget.

At times I was on fire for God, but nearing Senior year, I totally checked out on my spiritual journey. I felt guilty in the things I was doing, and regretfully, took it out on my leaders. I have since apologized, but I'm finally coming to realize how valuable that organization, that fellowship, that leadership was in my life.

In college, I met a guy who introduced me to this organization, similar to Young Life, called Campus Outreach. I dove head first in trying to straighten out my life, to get back in church, continue finding the purpose God had for me, and regaining my strength in the Lord.

For a while I had awesome friends- people that were ALWAYS there. No one called and backed out at the last second. Everyone wanted to be together often. It wasn't something you dreaded doing. I looked forward to being with these people-- these Christians who genuinely cared about me AND my spiritual walk. I learned to have fun SOBER, to laugh hysterically at things that weren't mean-spirited or perverted, to genuinely worship, to join in prayer and SEE God do MIRACLES!

Some how, I let Satan destroy my relationship/ involvement with this ministry, too. I started to crave the partying, the drinking, the guys, etc. I didn't want to give up EVERYTHING of my old life. I started hanging out with my drinking buddies again, started dating a non-Christian on-again-off-again ex boyfriend, and eventually found myself feeling separated from fellowship, separated from God, back sliding in my walk, and feeling guilty.

Now, I am in a totally different place- I found myself at the foot of the cross, repenting and seeing why God wanted me to give up those things, that he really did have my best interest at heart- Now, I CRAVE the fellowship. I CRAVE these friendships I easily found through these organizations.

Even in my women's Bible study at church, I look at the bond between my leaders. The are best friends, and sisters in Christ. They have a unique friendship that you can't help but crave! They call each other out in truth, pray for each other in trials, lead together in wisdom, but they are different individuals. They struggle in different areas, and the stronger one builds the other up in that area. They are SO lucky! I WANT a Christian best friend like that. I want a group of Christian fellowship. Why? Because God created us to have it!

I'm listening to a podcast my my old Pastor in Myrtle Beach, called "Two are better than One." He talks about God creating us to NEED each other. He talks about REAL friendships- the kind God intended us to have... the kind that we should be willing to lay down our life for. Friends are there in good times and in bad times (Proverbs 17:17). You build each other up and encourage each other. You don't lose anything by strengthening the other. "They encourage you when you're trying to quit smoking and you encourage them when they're trying to get a diet plan started." "You spur them on when they're getting slack in they're quiet time, and they spur you on when you're getting slack in your's." You pray for each other when the other is going through a heavy time. "Though one may be overpowered, TWO can defend themselves" (Ecc. 4:12). It becomes easier to fight battles when someone has your back.

Pastor Jeff continues to say that, "this friendship doesn't happen in "casual relationships." It's not just saying hey to people at church", it's not just acquaintances; "it's not just having a lot of companions that will drink a beer with you or watch a game." Those companions aren't "bad people" but there's just not a bond there that adds strength to you as a Christian. "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother"(Prov. 18:24). "Friendships ADD strength to us."

I took for granted the accessibility of Christian fellowship when I was in high school and in college. Now, I find large groups of casual relationships more common. The small groups I find are either people all struggling with the same issues that don't strengthen you, or they are for their church members only. I'm finding more and more that friendships are solely becoming based on convenience. People are more satisfied with companions. Few WANT the "accountability." Or people are like me- the old me... not wanting to give up old friends, hobbies, parties, relationships; or feel guilty in a small group of Christians; or wanting to live one foot in the world and one foot in the word.

This isn't really a "how-to" blog, or one to answer the questions I previously proposed, or one to necessarily relate to my readers... but more a prayer... a cry out to God, to this generation: that I have a passion to see places like CharlotteOne, local churches, and people who haven't even found a place to be filled to OVERFLOW with small group opportunities. To place fellowship, friendships, bonds, and people of God higher up on their list of priorities. I don't want people to come get lost in a crowd, or feel of worth to only one "type" of people, I want people to be able to connect with others that they actually LIKE. That have things in common, but are strong where the other is weak. I want our generation to go deeper with people, to seek out accountability parters, prayer partners, defenders in their battles, but yet find freedom, healing, fun, and satisfaction. I want people to CRAVE these friendships, to draw nearer to God just being around these friends, to speak in truth, grow together, lead together, and raise up future generations teaching them ALL that God has offered, and to take advantage of it!

(Ecc. 4:12b) "A cord of three strands is not easily broken."

(Ecclesiastes 4:10) "If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!"

"THAT One vs THE One"

Do any of y'all have that ONE guy in your life that you just can't get over? The one that keeps you chasing him? That one guy that isn't ready for an "exclusive relationship right NOW" but keeps promising later down the road you'll be together? He gives you the butterflies, you smile when you're with him, you cry when you're not; you're excited for the phone to ring, but sad when it's silent; he keeps you hanging on, but you start to wonder if you'll ever be together- like officially, 100%, fairy-tale romance, til-death-do-you-part kind of "together."

(Just for Fun)

That One only calls you when he's drinking. The One calls you when he's thinking about you.

That One tells you how good you look dressed up. The One tells you how good you look in sweats.

That One only comes if you beg and give a reward. The One is already there.

That One will NEVER be who you want him to be. The One will be who you need.

That One will NEVER commit. The One is already saving for a ring.

That One will make you feel barley "good enough." The One will make you feel overly "good enough."

That One will bring you down and leave you there. The One will know it's tough, but work to build each other up.

Part of us want that guy because you have given him so much of yourself- your time, your memories, your dedication, your money, your vulnerability, even your innocence.

Part of us just love the "thrill of the chase" and he's that one guy that keeps us on the move.

Part of us have been through tough relationships. Your family has abandoned you, no one is there to listen, your friends don't really "get" you anymore, and that one guy is your refuge. He's seen your tears, your pain, and he becomes your escape. He's hurt you too, but not NEARLY as bad as everyone else.

Part of us have gone too far with that one guy. He was your FIRST. Even if you didn't give him your heart, you gave him your body in a way that no one else has had, seen, or touched which can be harder to let go and to get back.

We get jealous if he talks to another girl, screen his calls, check his facebook, get angry when he doesn't put us first, hurt when we feel not "good enough" for them to settle down with, and overly attached to something that basically becomes an ADDICTION.

No matter what stage of your life you are in, I want to urge you to guard your heart! Focus on THE one and get rid of THAT one! Young girls, before you have that first kiss, that first boyfriend, that first time becoming vulnerable, that first time giving yourself away.... think about THE one.

I think I can speak for MANY women saying that they wish they had never been with anyone else before they met their husband. Or who wish their husbands had never been with another girl. Even in my own life, I wish I had saved myself for my husband. I wish that my husband had saved himself for me. I wish my future spouse and I would never have to speak of how past relationships "made us this way" or how many struggles we'll have to face to ASSURE each other that past love interests are in the past. I wish I could erase moments where I had given myself to people that weren't worthy...that didn't have my best interest at heart, that didn't care about my feelings, or my hurts that didn't surface until YEARS later.

I wish that we could go into our lifelong relationships with PURE minds, empty of bad memories from that one guy who hurt us and gave us issues with trust. I wish we could enter them with PURE hearts, rid of scars and wounds left by that one who made us feel "not good enough." I wish we could enter with PURE bodies, untouched, clean, and available for the RIGHT lover, the way God intended it to be.

I want to reach the young, and tell them to put their love-lives on hold, to put their main focus all on Jesus, to realize the JOY of having THE one BE that one guy you can't get over...

I can't even imagine the married couples that saved sex for marriage, that guarded their hearts against one-night stands, and temporary flings, that aren't as susceptible to questioning their relationships based on prior love interests. I WISH that women were only TOUCHED by their husbands, that husbands had only SEEN the flesh of their wives, that women were only pursued by their lover, and the lover only pursued ONE wife. I REALLY believe that God's word laid out this plan for love: abstaining from sex until marriage, guarding our hearts, eyes, and minds, not divorcing, working through the good and the bad, to ultimately have the BEST intimacy, the BEST perception of love, the BEST relationship reflection Christ's love for His bride (the church).

I know that there are A LOT of us who have already fallen into the trap of catching THAT ONE GUY. We have already fallen at purity, passion, self-control, etc. And to us I would say, this is by far one of the hardest challenges of YOUR LIFE. WE cannot control our thoughts, memories, feelings, emotions..but WE CAN surrender them to the Lord. We can't read a guide to getting over a relationship (believe me, I've tried) but we CAN read the word... feelings are temporary but we need to focus on the thing that NEVER changes and that is Jesus. His will for our life is always the same. His word is everlasting. He has the same hopes for us today as he did before we fell for this guy. He is bigger than our hearts and He tells us we can trust that. If we cast our cares upon him, he will care for us. He promises healing, restoration, and a love that never dies.

I could go on and on about the things I do to get my mind off "that guy" and onto not only "the one" but the one and only God... but I wanted I really just wanted to write and say WAIT. Wherever you are just WAIT and go back to the truth. See the bigger picture in WHY God tells us to wait for his timing. This isn't a fence to keep you from experiences, it's to keep you safe, happy, and because what you're searching for, the BEST stuff, is inside the pasteur.

"The Bible just isn't for ME"

"For the word of God is living and active." Hebrews 4:12

Earlier today I asked to borrow an expensive camera and the person flat out turned me down. I heard she was splitting the cost with someone and after she said she paid for it herself, I told her to swear to God, because I didn't believe that she paid every cent. I resorted to anger, revenge, and manipulation... obvious characteristics of my "old man." In the past, if I didn't get my way, I would make a way to get it. I realize that that's not how I'm called to be as a Christian. I am supposed to obey, to SUBMIT, to crucify myself, to weigh the costs, to lose the world, and to live according to the WORD.

I stress how our preacher always says "read and pray, pray and read" and to be honest, I hadn't been doing it. I got that prayer part down, but when I want to "read", I normally turn to podcasts, devotionals, or other Christian books to guarantee I "get something out of it" or that it's "translated into something I can identify with", or to "get the full context of the verse."

Well, recently, after hearing a message about how the church should turn us back to God, and our excitement shouldn't just be to hear a great service, but the great service should get us excited to read and pray and be excited about the Lord, I started reading...the Bible.

I didn't know where to start... I feel like I've read it a million times here and there and in bits and pieces... but to at least get the context of the New Testament, I started at Mattew 1:1.

Today after my anger settled down, I picked back up where I had left off in Matthew chapter 5.

²¹"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder^" and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' ²²But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment"

OK, great. I'm being reminded that anger incurs judgment just as murder does, and how they are both sin. I kept reading...

²³"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, ²⁴leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

Wonderful. Now I start reading that even if I am bringing something to the Lord (such as my time), I am to leave and be reconciled with the person I was just arguing first. Ouch.

³⁴But I tell you, Do not swear at all: either by heaven, for it is God's throne; ³⁵or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. ³⁶And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black.

Ok, seriously!? Could this entire chapter not be about my entire argument I JUST had!?

I was so worried about reading the word and not getting anything out of it, not knowing where to start reading, not identifying with it... and it just so happened that the chapter I read today OVERLY identified with me.

God knows what you need to hear, He just wants you to take that step and open up His word. He wants you to have faith that He will speak to you if you meet with Him. He's written this "love story" to you with how he can and has RESCUED you from hell, lavishes His love and blessings on you, calls you His child, and continues to refine you just as fire purifies gold and makes it beautiful and costly.

And last but not least, the chapter also speaks about the other side of the issue.

⁴²Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

I KNOW that letting someone borrow things doesn't come naturally for ALL of us. Though I felt like ignoring the first 3/4s of the chapter focusing on ME, and shoving this one verse right in the person's face... I KNOW that God wanted me to hear the first 3/4s FIRST to refine me, to humble me, to realize that this isn't even something that's gonna help me add to the Kingdom, so it really shouldn't have made me angry. I think even the last verse speaks to me, because I HATE sharing. It's hard for me to GIVE. But now I'll be reminded that when someone asks ME for something that I have, the WORD tells me to give.

So, I feel like I've learned a million lessons out of this one chapter... out of this book that gets such a wrap for being old, out-dated, dead, something that is hard to read and understand, being over read and pulled out of context... Hebrews reminds us that the Word of God is ALIVE... no matter what generation, what day of the week, what passage you turn to, etc. God is waiting for your time, your commitment, your response, to read the ONLY book that is FROM Him.

"Church People Aren't Like ME"

Church seems like a place for people who are trying to be perfect. They say they are "blessed" and sometimes the people raising their hands make you uncomfortable. Why do people put on this "holy act" when they are in church?

Some people are just not in to "church." Some are just not in to hanging with believers or going to church events. Some assume that these people struggle with the "small sins" and they can "never relate" to me or where I've been.

I think I wouldn't be too far out there if I said that most Sunday attenders won't connect through more than a handshake for fear of being "condemned." On one hand you don't want to be "fake", but on the other you might actually WANT what they have.

I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that we ALL have sinned and we ALL fall short. There is not one single person in the church that will go to heaven on behalf of what he has DONE. I am becoming more aware that the Devil really does try to destroy your ministry by telling you that everyone will think you are "fake", that you have a past that's too bad to change, or that if people knew a certain part of your life, they would lose all respect for you.

I'm in a women's Bible study at my church, and last night I was so BLESSED to get together with women who are more "mature" in age than I ;) but to see that EVERY woman in there, no matter where they are in their walk with the Lord, feels like there are areas that hold them captive, areas they fall short in, and a unifying urge to help each other conquer our weaknesses and to build each other up WITHOUT any condemnation.

My boyfriend is in the Men's Bible study called "Role of a Man" and different men share their testimony and where God has brought them from, and on Sunday, he pointed to a deacon of the church that shared and told me it was awesome to hear where he had come from to where he is now.

I'm continuously encouraged by LEADERS that have been where I'VE been and yet still are serving the kingdom in their NEW SELF.

More and more I am meeting people: leaders, elders, other christian women, that I think have it all together BUT then they tell me a little about where they came from... the addictions, the abuse, the abandonment, the mistrust, the alcohol, the drugs, the loss, the pain... and after meeting more and more of these people-- I could not believe how my perception of the church had changed!

This church is full of SINNERS! Wow. What better place for them... for US to be than united all together in a pursuit to love Christ because he gave His life for ours.... to WORSHIP a God that sees us as His CHILDREN, to lift up holy hands in adoration of who HE is in spite of who we are, to join together to build one another up and to catch one if they fall, to put on our NEW self... I think it is such a testimony of how the Holy Spirit covers our sin and separates us far from our past when we see someone we think "has it all together" and be utterly SHOCKED by the story of their past.

I've learned that people don't lift up their hands because they want to seem "holy"... they lift them up in surrender. They cry to let the pain out and let healing in. I think that when you have repented and been forgiven you shouldn't even hesitate to give Him all the praise. Sometimes we forget our OWN past. We forget that we fall short and that we deserve death... we forget that EVERYONE is offered the GIFT of eternal life and that EVERYONE in church IS like YOU... Everyone needs a Savior and the body of believers found sitting on the pews each Sunday KNOWS that they have sinned and that's EXACTLY why they are there!

They aren't there because they're perfect...they come to be forgiven! They aren't doing it to look "holy"... they come out of obedience! They don't come to judge the broken...they ARE broken, have been broken or will be broken and need restoration and joy! They don't come because they should..they come because their heart craves the Lord and to be filled with His word and missing out on meeting God makes you empty. They don't come to be a better person...they come because there's a God that loves them in spite of who they are. They don't come to appear strong... they come because God offers to carry their burden if they lay it at the cross.

Your Old Self Never Dies

Do you ever find yourself falling into the same "sin" over and over again? No matter how "godly" you become or how "sanctified" you feel, you still find yourself struggling at some point with an issue you've already dealt with.

Even though I feel like certain "sins" didn't become an issue or a struggle until certain circumstances, I started looking through some old journal entries, some dating back to 2001, and I can't help but see the SAME person struggling with the SAME sins.

I think this blog is gonna be another one of those that "puts myself out there" but I really feel like someone will benefit from reading this, and God already knows my story, so who am I to hide from?

Let's talk about relationships, love, lust, sex, for a minute and how important they are. The Bible says you are to "guard your heart for it is the wellspring of LIFE." A wellspring is a source from which something flows from. Once you damage/pollute/dry up the source anything flowing from it, if any at all, will be tainted.

Back in highschool, I can name hundreds of reasons why my life went off track. It was basically a slippery slope just one "not-so-bad" thing leading to something else that's "not-so-bad" that lead me further and further from the truth. In previous journals, I have noticed that I am the QUEEN of justification! I have an EXCUSE for EVERYTHING! No matter what it is, I could explain a "good reason" why I did it or why it happened.

I also have an addictive personality- if I didn't have this love interest, it had to be someone else. I can be addicted to church activities...going to the gym...then it at some point it was drinking every night. Once I couldn't drink as much, it was drugs. Once I gave up drugs, it was sex. And the devil lead me on this spiraling journey that was leading me straight to the grave... but I had an excuse. It never seemed "that bad" when I was doing it. I got used to it, I rationalized it, I justified my sin, I had no idea that I was no longer letting God control my life, but letting my "old man" take over.

*If you don't know what I mean by "old man" or "old self", let me clarify. The Bible says once we let Christ come into our lives, we are a NEW creature, the old has gone and the new has come. We are no longer living by our "flesh" or according to OUR will, but seeking God on every decision, remolding our character, and letting Him take control of our lives.

No matter how old you get or how spiritually mature you become, your "old-man" never dies. My Bible study leader describes it as being strapped to your back. The old-man ALWAYS wants you to do what FEELS good, what is COMFORTABLE, to JUSTIFY your sin, to DO IT ONE MORE TIME! Ever feel like that? And it may not be every area, you are just weak to a couple sins that reappear over and over and over again.

That lust I struggle with, my old-self that trained my mind to think it wasn't bad, that the body feels good, that other people are having sex all the time before marriage, if it isn't technically sex, it's ok, I was drunk, so it didn't count.... no matter what relationship you're in, you're old self is telling you that something else is better, or that you won't be good enough, or that if you wanted that guy or girl sexually, you could have them... past flames try to reignite the fire, people look better just because you can't have them, you want to give up being "good" because your old self had more fun, or you rationalize that you can be better later...that if you have sex with this person, or cheat on this girlfriend or boyfriend, or facebook your ex just to see if you get the "butterflies" and the "good feelings." It's ALL a lie. It will all take away from what God has for you. You will have to fight this battle over and over again if you struggle with lust. Your old-self is ALWAYS whispering in your ear, urging you to satisfy your hunger for it.

Or what about drinking. You have a weakness towards being the party girl. You know that one drink doesn't do it for you... you don't drink to get a buzz, you drink to get WASTED! You may have turned your life over to God, but like me, you struggle with wanting and craving that satisfaction of knowing you had fun, people had a blast with you, you will have so many memories (that others have told you, of course, because you were too black out drunk to remember). God wants you to get your confidence from Him. He wants you to be a living advertisement pointing others to Him and the JOY in life that only He can bring. I thought if I just surround myself with non-drinkers I'll be fine, if I just hide out in my room I won't be tempted, if I stay sober for 90 days I won't crave another drink... Bad news... that old-self is still strapped on my back saying, "you can drink again when you don't drink to party... or as long as you don't get black-out you'll be fine... or just get wasted one more time, then your boyfriend will see how FUN you can be." LIE. LIE. LIE.

For me, these things are a HUGE weakness. I love the feeling, the fun, then pleasure, and that's exactly why God calls me to abstain. It is too easy for that one drink to slippery-slope to two. It is easy for me to find pleasure in those things that eventually separate me from God. They become "strongholds" in my life, idols, even... that slow or take away the pleasure I get from serving and seeking the Lord, and replace it with temporary satisfaction I can get from THINGS.

Or what about Faith. Do you struggle with knowing that God wants the BEST for you? Do you find yourself praying for BIG things or only for you to be "happy" or "content." Do you trust that he can make something out of nothing or make a way when there is NO way... or do you find yourself figuring out other options?

Maybe you don't have a weakness for lust, drinking, sex, relationships, but you do have WEAKNESSES. You do have an old-self strapped to your back, nagging you to fulfill your desires of the flesh. Your old-self will never die, not until you meet Jesus. But there are things that we can do. I have found through EXPERIENCE that IDENTIFYING your weaknesses makes a HUGE difference. Whether it's pride, lust, envy, people-pleasing, stealing, relationships, gossip, and the list goes on, we all can make a list of the things we have to fight off more than others.

Then we can figure out WHEN and WHERE we are vulnerable. Are you struggling with drinking, but yet your Friday night hangout is the bar? Are you struggling with lust, yet your boyfriend spends the night? We need to find where our battleground is.

We also need to identify our weapons. Find it in scripture. Take your weakness to the Word and find what the Lord says about it or other people that struggled with it in the Bible. Take it to the Lord in prayer. If we truly want to surrender this weakness, let the Lord become our strength- no matter how many times we've come to Him with the same thing... he ALWAYS wants to help and to see us through it!

I think another important thing is to know WHY and WHAT we are fighting for. Why do we want to overcome this weakness? I've stressed before that God calls us to be Holy, because He is Holy, but there are blessings here on Earth that we are missing out on, if we live for the short term satisfaction of our flesh.

If you are a drinker, I guarantee there are a list of things you WOULDN'T have done if you hadn't been drinking- that kiss, that fight, that last word, that anger, giving your body away, lying, etc. Right?

If you're someone that struggles with lust- you think what's one more guy or one more time... yeh, now you may not care, but when you finally meet the man of your dreams you will never know (at least I hope you won't) how painful it is to be truthful about your past. The way you feel when you wished that you had never given yourself away physically/ mentally/ and emotionally away to any one else before him. The struggles that come when you can't give or are scared to give 100% of yourself to the RIGHT one. Our heart is our "wellspring", we should guard it and not let it get polluted with relationships that didn't work out, or loving someone who only tore us down, or spent our time trying to make someone happy, when all they did was make us cry...or it will overflow into your life and your life will become dry, depressed, bitter, unsatisfied, quenched, purposeless.

If pride is your weakness, don't let this become a quality that "makes you, you."

You can always change who you are...in fact God wants you to! He wants the old to be gone and the new to come. And when the old-self starts tapping you on the back he wants you to be committed to the person you have become, identify your weakness, surrender it to the Lord, and keep on pressing on because the end is near.

Plan A: Have Faith, Plan B: Take Control

Have you ever had your heart set on something, and then find out that you couldn't have it? Have you had "faith" but then thought about what you're going to do in case things fall through? Have you ever lost control over your entire situation and wonder what the heck you're gonna do, now? Have you prayed REALLY hard for something and heard NOTHING?

Sometimes we pray for things that God has already answered. God does call us to "pray and petition" and to "make our requests known" but we have to do our part and open our eyes to see when they are answered and how they are being answered. Sometimes we think we have FAITH, but that's because we still have some control.

You may have heard people say, "God always answers, it's either yes, no, or wait." Through the process of finding a place to live- that I blogged about a few weeks ago, I have learned to have faith. I'm reading a book called "Praying God's Word" by Beth Moore, about giving up strongholds in our life. The second chapter was on Disbelief. Not disbelieving IN Him, but disbelieving Him in general. In my scenario, I was disbelieving that God had it under control. I believe Him to be SO great and SO powerful- the creator, the King, the Savior.. but when it came down to my personal need, I doubted he CARED.

I also questioned my prayer life and the answers I thought I was hearing. I prayed for my choice to be EASY, but sometimes God does not answer according to OUR will, but to His will. I prayed for a QUICK answer, but sometimes God's perfect timing is not according to OUR timing. I prayed for FAITH, but instead I gave up. I called it "faith" in waiting, but in my mind I had been thinking of how I could control the situation with Plan B, C, and D.

At Charlotte One, we were learning about prayer. We went opened our Bibles up to the Lord's Prayer. I thought I had learned everything you could know about prayer. I mean, I pray a lot. I know the concept, I know the style, I know we are supposed to ask, and we are supposed to listen, I know how to give thanks and praise, I pray for others, my leaders, my family, etc. BUT we started talking about boldness in prayer. We talked about asking for GREAT things from a GREAT God. We talked about who HE is in comparison to the things we ask for. We are talking to the God who can give us the power to move mountains, and we think he can't handle our small stuff. I also learned that in all prayers, we are to say "Hallowed be Thy name", or to basically say, no matter what the result, my God is still mighty, still Holy, still omnipotent, and His will (which is better than our's) will still be done.

At church we sang a song, and I know this sounds stupid, but we sang lyrics that said "...He ALONE is worthy..." and all I kept hearing was "a LOAN." That put a smile on my face because I really felt like God was humorously reminding me He knew and heard my request. I find it easy to have "faith" when signs point to "yes", BUT the moment things start to spiral out of MY control, and it looks as if owning a home is hopeless, I wanted to give up, quit praying, and cop out because it wasn't EASY anymore. I laughed at how I thought a "miracle" would happen, I still feel "embarrassed" at how I thought God would use this as a "testimony of faith"... my prayers weren't answered in my time, under my control, and I thought God had already given me my answer, and the answer was "NO."

But the answer wasn't "no", it was "WAIT". Here I was, praying that I would have FAITH, but really, I was hoping that I would have CONTROL. God wanted me to get to the end of my rope, the end of my vision, he wanted me to think that there was NO way, and then make a way. He didn't want me to see MY way and fall back on my own plans and my own will, he wanted me to GIVE UP my control ENTIRELY. And there lies Faith. Faith is not always hoping for what you want, but believing that God will take care of you no matter what.

There have been countless times that God has shown His greatness in his Word. He brings life from the dead, birth from the barren, feast from the famine, leaps from the lame, sight from the blind, etc. I bet many of the Disciples watched Jesus hang on the cross, and almost EXPECT him to break free, to not completely die, to strike down all of his enemies... but he didn't. He died, stayed buried for three whole days, and then rose! How much greater did their faith become, when they had to BELIEVE he would return, rather than hope he would never face the grave. I think we find TRUE faith when we have no answers, feel as if God doesn't hear our prayers anymore, and feel completely out of control of our situation.

My loan ended up going through- with the help of my dad and through lots of PRAYER. Keep praying with BOLDNESS to a MIGHTY God who can do MORE than MIGHTY things. Let go of your control and find FAITH that God is GOOD and will take care of you no matter what! Believe that God's BLESSINGS are BETTER than our requests! And even when you think there is NO way, let Him be your Way-Maker. I am so thankful!!

"Wasted Years"

Growing up, we think it is ridiculously hard being a good christian. It's difficult even as we are older to preach and teach "Holy living" to younger people because even though we know WHY we SHOULD, we can't imagine ourselves at that age living the way we are telling them to live.

We say well the Bible says "this" about dating, says "that" about partying, says "this" about gossip and the way that we treat others... but in the back of our mind, we think, 'gosh, there is NO way I could have let that love go, or avoided that invitation, or not drank at that bar, or not gone to that party.

We think that it will be easier to live Holy when you don't have so much "peer pressure." They are just living in the moment, being young, and having the high school or college "experience." Right?

I heard a line in a song today that spoke directly to my spirit about this subject. How can we possibly expect people [still in school] to pursue Holy Living? Because of this verse from Chris Tomlin's "This is Our God":

"A refuge for the poor,

a shelter from the storm: this is our God.

And He will wipe away your tears,

and return your wasted years: this is our God."

He will RETURN OUR "WASTED" YEARS.... To me, this can mean SO much. For the students thinking that sitting at home on a Friday night is wasting a good time or you feel so BORED....or if you feel like you're "missing out" and you have "no friends" that will not party with you... or if you feel like you're not having fun living "Holy"... STICK IT OUT! God will RETURN the years you think are WASTED! He will bless you MORE for being faithful. You see the people living the "good life", but if you cling to the fact that HIS will is BEST, you will find the BETTER LIFE, the life more fulfilling, more abundant, more purposeful!

I also see this relating to people who think that their life has been a waste. They think they've spiraled out of control and they think it's hopeless wanting to get back on track. Or people who think that they could never change, if only these "Christians" knew what I've BEEN THROUGH, they would see how HARD it is to CHANGE. Or people who have lost their job, been to the bottom of the bottom, lost their marriage, lost their friends, have no church, or worked SO hard to get to a dead end.... GOD will return your wasted years! He can take your mess, your past, your pain and bring healing and restoration and purpose! He will pick you up from where you are, lavish his love on you, and give you the strength to press on! The light is coming! The end is near! His blessings are JUST around the corner for a heart that holds on!

Pursue God, pursue righteousness, pursue Holiness. Let God take control of your life now and forever, and WHATEVER you go through know that He won't let you down- Heaven will be WORTH whatever you go through on Earth! You will be BLESSED and God WILL return your wasted years.

A Life that MATTERS

Some people are heading back to class in search of a good time, some graduates are still in search for a good job, some career-minded young adults are searching for the perfect home, and some people are in search of being a good "christian."

People all over the world are searching, people are all striving for excellence in this life. They want to have more money, higher status, fulfilled desires, answered prayers... people claiming they're christians without pursuing a life that matters.

I have heard some really awesome sermons lately, by radio with Greg Laurie, and at church by Loran Livingston, really talking about sin, repentance, salvation, and heaven. I learned SO much yesterday, that my brain still hurts today!

Greg Laurie hit the nail on the head when he said that "the real reason people don't come to Jesus is because they are practicing evil and they don't want their deeds exposed." How TRUE is that!? I can totally relate!

Even in the times where my life was so far from the Spirit, yet I still called myself a "Christian." That term really means "Christ- Follower" but I can guarantee that I didn't want to go where He was. He was at church, he was at boring get-togethers with sober people that liked to play pranks for fun, he was in quiet, serious places, he was where there were a lot of "don'ts." He was where all the people I didn't like were, he was with the misfits and the holy-rollers, and the moms and the dads. He was where there were too many rules and not enough FUN.

He definitely was not where I wanted to be. I wanted to be beer-in-hand, center of attention, riding the bull in the middle of the bar. I wanted to be dancing on tables, falling down stairs, feeling good and doing whatever I wanted. I wanted to be with the popular people, the hot guys, the cocky people, the people that always had something to do- something fun! I considered myself a "Christ-follower", a "Christian", but I was not going where he was. I had no desire to. I had no convictions and I didn't want anyone around that would tell me I was wrong, that I was sinning, or that I was moving further and further from the Spirit.

I think it is different for me to know what to do. I was saved at the age of 5, I re-dedicated my life in the 6th grade, and I followed Christ into a deep relationship. Then I experienced LIFE, and as my testimony demonstrates I ran as far as I could from Him. It was easier to live my life the way I wanted and to never feel guilty. At the bottom of my pit, I decided to REPENT of my ways, I started to HATE the things I was doing, and I ran into the arms of the Father, and decided to live for Him.

Pastor Livingston preached an AWESOME / difficult sermon on the importance of REPENTANCE yesterday. I can definitely see some parallels in the life I lived before. He said that there are many people, christians and non-christians alike, that appear to be "Christians." (We won't know for sure until Jesus comes to take his children home)... but "if a person does not say I hate sin, he cannot repent, and a person who has not repented, can't be saved." OR "If you're still doing, now, after you say you're "saved", what you were doing BEFORE you were saved, you WEREN'T saved."

Ouch. Also, Loran refers to a passage about the Demon inside Lazarus. Demons cannot be inside Christians, BUT if you can't help but do the things you do, if your life is disgusting to a Holy God, you may not be a Christian. This demon can make itself at home in your life... make you LOVE the way you're living. The verses in Luke, say you can clean your life up, get your act together, "pour the liquor down the drain, they go back to their wife, they get rid of their videos, they say they're doing better...they get cleaned up but they don't get cleaned out!"

The demon may leave for a bit, but when it finds no one else to dwell in, it comes back to you, and brings 7 more wicked than the first- causing the person that started living BETTER, to live WORSE than they ever were before!! WOW.. how true is that?! "It just gets worse and worse when people leave out repentance."

"We don't have to DO anything to get to hell. We were born on our way there."

"if you are not living right, you are lost... if you are shacking up, you're lost, if you're under the control of drugs or alcohol, you are lost... if you need the love of a man to make you happy and you're willing to leave your husband to get it, you are lost!"

This world is NOT what Matters! This world is nothing compared to ETERNITY. I don't want anyone to go to hell...especially people that I know that THINK they're Christians, yet still love the way they are living! "Some of you won't live right because you're in love with someone who won't live right..get AWAY from them...what's your SOUL worth?!?"

That story of Lazarus talks about his view from Hell. Loran teaches, "People in heaven will not remember you (the things of this Earth will pass away). BUT for eternity you will see your mom, your dad, you'll hear the preacher with tears in his eyes or compassion in her voice asking you to come, and you said 'not now', 'not interested', 'i'm having a good time', etc. You'll be praying for eternity, but no one will hear you. The devil won't be ruling or laughing, he will be squirming and begging just like the people he has deceived."

"Jesus did not save you so you could excel at your business or make a lot of money,

he saved you from a place called Hell."

I know that this is a touchy subject and that no one wants to evaluate their soul. No one wants to say they're not a Christian, No one wants to talk about hell, eternity, demons, sin, God, church, etc. I KNOW! It makes you uncomfortable. But I'm willing to take that risk. I'm willing to make sure that in my OWN life that I focus less on my search for the good things of this Earth, and focus more on spreading what I've already FOUND- A life that Matters! A life that has a purpose, a Life that is lead by the Spirit, ONLY because I have TRULY repented! I TRULY HATE the things I do that dishonor God.

It was hard to get to this point. It didn't happen over night. I made a decision in a second, but it has been over a year in digging down deep, repenting of things I didn't even know were "sins" at the time. It's a PROCESS... but at the SECOND you repent, you can KNOW that you are His child. You can KNOW that you're going to HEAVEN and not hell. You can KNOW that no demons will control your life and steer you of course. You can KNOW that He'll give you the power to say "No." You can KNOW that YOU MATTER!