11 months, 12 days sober

I have heard from wise counsel that "anger stems from hurt," and seeming I get so upset from alcohol, I decided to dig deep and see what is REALLY the source-- why do I "HURT" from alcohol? If you think about where alcohol has gotten you, and who'd you be without it- maybe you can relate; if not, at least you'll have a better understanding of how and why I quit drinking.

You never really realize the affect that alcohol can have on your life. You think you're making "memories" but what if you're really making "scars." From the first sip, you can lose yourself. Not just alcohol, but anything you find JOY in can become a stronghold, "a place that serves as the center of the group," a "refuge", your "support" as the dictionary defines it. Among MANY of these that can take away our focus from the Lord and put it on ourselves, alcohol was my first.

Took away my innocence.

Took away my yes's.

Took away my no's.

My outlet.

Quick Fix.

Numbed the pain.

Fogged their name.

Blurred their face.

Let people touch me in ways only a husband should, and I didn't even KNOW them.

No one knew just "ME"... "sober me."

He didn't love me, swear he did, alcohol pushed me in, got me out, and told me i'd be fine.

Alcohol took the BLAME but also BLAMED me too.

I saw my father cry.

I saw my mother hurt.

It broke my relationship that only sisters can have.

Made me happy, made me mean.

Lost more than I ever gained.

A stronghold- something I couldn't do without.

It got between me and prayer, me and the Word, me and church, me and my God.

Took away my passion for serving the Lord.

Felt vile in the holiness of the Lord and my family.

Locked my lips when I needed to speak and opened them when I should've been silent.

Blinded me from my spiritual gifts and talents and I let such beauty go to waste.

I wasn't fulfilling my purpose.

I wrestle with it EVERYDAY.

Delighted in IT more than in the Lord.

Kept me from the church.

Made me feel GUILTY in God's presence.

Condemned when I made it to church hungover.

Strapped down with heavy burdens, hiding who I had become.

Cried for hours about petty things when my heart used to hurt for bigger issues.

Became consumed with me; selfish.

Backstabbed friends, betrayed loyalty, had no meaning to the word "trust."

Relationships lasted as long as the buzz.

Partied all night with you then took your first love.

The tiniest bit of anger towards someone blew up into words that would scar them for life.

Stole the lime light only to take advantage of kindness, and rob them of meaningful friendships.

Almost gave my life to someone I had spent SO much time with, yet knew NOTHING about them.

Contemplated DYING because of that SAME PERSON that I didn't even KNOW.

Emotions out of control.

Always having to prove something.

Blurred memory- was I safe, did I use protection, did I make that call, did I give that advice?

Reassured someone that taking the life of their unborn child was an ok option.

REGRETS.

Took advantage of the people the genuinely cared about me.

Couldn't hold a job, but didn't have money to support myself.

Friends DIED that I PARTIED with, but NEVER shared Jesus or made SURE that they knew they were going to heaven.

Words I can never unsay. Things I can never undo. Texts/messages I can never unsend.

Ruined the best present a 16yr old new driver could ask for!

Rebelled against leaders that truly had my best interest at heart.

Ruined reputation.

Defiled and exposed the body that God gave me- my temple, His image, His child.

Pursued being an object of desire instead of real relationships.

Flaunted and taunted though I'm taught to conceal.

Warped outlook; future in my hands; put thoughts as a "coke addicted stripper in Vegas" like a dream job.

Competed against the Holy Spirit inside of me.

Felt like I was only good for one thing.

Produced "bad fruit" proclaiming the Spirit was not in me.

Severed me as a limb from the tree of Life.

People made excuses for me.

Felt like an unanswered prayer that my Christian friends and family

were constantly praying for.

Let my eyes see filthy rotten things they never should have seen.

Let my heart beat for things it never should have loved.

Let my mind go filthy places it never should have gone.

Made life a game- I wanted to win, I wanted to score, I wanted to chase, nothing deeper.

Everything was gray, nothing was black and white or right and wrong- just depended on the circumstance.

Made people either friends or enemies- no forgiveness, no mercy, all out hatred.

Saw the worst in people and what they were lacking and also in myself.

JUDGED people.

I swore on the Holy Bible that I didn't do something I actually did- I lied under oath, blasphemed God.

Stirred up lust, made my brothers stumble.

That was old, I am NEW.

I want to be sober when my Savior returns.

I want to be ready "in the twinkling of an eye," I want to bow before my King, humbly,

just "ME."

One sip, one night, one phase just may lead to feeling/ doing any of the above OR may cause your sister/brother/ best friend/husband/wife/ gf/ bf to experience these things because you ENCOURAGED that drink. Where does my anger stem from? Who ever would have guessed!? When I see alcohol, smell it, feel it, THIS is where my mind goes- BACK to all those things I did; to that person that I WAS.

Praise God that REPENTANCE has wiped my slate clean! I AM a NEW creation. I AM secure in JUST being ME. 11 months, 12 days sober and getting further and further from where I've been.

1 Peter 3:4"...we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now!"

Mark 3:28 "...There's nothing done or said that can't be forgiven. But if you persist in your slanders against God's Holy Spirit, you are repudiating the very One who forgives, sawing off the branch on which you're sitting, severing by your own perversity all connection with the One who forgives."

1 Peter 1:23 "...Your new life is not like your old life"

Galations 6:1 "If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out."