11 months, 12 days sober

I have heard from wise counsel that "anger stems from hurt," and seeming I get so upset from alcohol, I decided to dig deep and see what is REALLY the source-- why do I "HURT" from alcohol? If you think about where alcohol has gotten you, and who'd you be without it- maybe you can relate; if not, at least you'll have a better understanding of how and why I quit drinking.

You never really realize the affect that alcohol can have on your life. You think you're making "memories" but what if you're really making "scars." From the first sip, you can lose yourself. Not just alcohol, but anything you find JOY in can become a stronghold, "a place that serves as the center of the group," a "refuge", your "support" as the dictionary defines it. Among MANY of these that can take away our focus from the Lord and put it on ourselves, alcohol was my first.

Took away my innocence.

Took away my yes's.

Took away my no's.

My outlet.

Quick Fix.

Numbed the pain.

Fogged their name.

Blurred their face.

Let people touch me in ways only a husband should, and I didn't even KNOW them.

No one knew just "ME"... "sober me."

He didn't love me, swear he did, alcohol pushed me in, got me out, and told me i'd be fine.

Alcohol took the BLAME but also BLAMED me too.

I saw my father cry.

I saw my mother hurt.

It broke my relationship that only sisters can have.

Made me happy, made me mean.

Lost more than I ever gained.

A stronghold- something I couldn't do without.

It got between me and prayer, me and the Word, me and church, me and my God.

Took away my passion for serving the Lord.

Felt vile in the holiness of the Lord and my family.

Locked my lips when I needed to speak and opened them when I should've been silent.

Blinded me from my spiritual gifts and talents and I let such beauty go to waste.

I wasn't fulfilling my purpose.

I wrestle with it EVERYDAY.

Delighted in IT more than in the Lord.

Kept me from the church.

Made me feel GUILTY in God's presence.

Condemned when I made it to church hungover.

Strapped down with heavy burdens, hiding who I had become.

Cried for hours about petty things when my heart used to hurt for bigger issues.

Became consumed with me; selfish.

Backstabbed friends, betrayed loyalty, had no meaning to the word "trust."

Relationships lasted as long as the buzz.

Partied all night with you then took your first love.

The tiniest bit of anger towards someone blew up into words that would scar them for life.

Stole the lime light only to take advantage of kindness, and rob them of meaningful friendships.

Almost gave my life to someone I had spent SO much time with, yet knew NOTHING about them.

Contemplated DYING because of that SAME PERSON that I didn't even KNOW.

Emotions out of control.

Always having to prove something.

Blurred memory- was I safe, did I use protection, did I make that call, did I give that advice?

Reassured someone that taking the life of their unborn child was an ok option.

REGRETS.

Took advantage of the people the genuinely cared about me.

Couldn't hold a job, but didn't have money to support myself.

Friends DIED that I PARTIED with, but NEVER shared Jesus or made SURE that they knew they were going to heaven.

Words I can never unsay. Things I can never undo. Texts/messages I can never unsend.

Ruined the best present a 16yr old new driver could ask for!

Rebelled against leaders that truly had my best interest at heart.

Ruined reputation.

Defiled and exposed the body that God gave me- my temple, His image, His child.

Pursued being an object of desire instead of real relationships.

Flaunted and taunted though I'm taught to conceal.

Warped outlook; future in my hands; put thoughts as a "coke addicted stripper in Vegas" like a dream job.

Competed against the Holy Spirit inside of me.

Felt like I was only good for one thing.

Produced "bad fruit" proclaiming the Spirit was not in me.

Severed me as a limb from the tree of Life.

People made excuses for me.

Felt like an unanswered prayer that my Christian friends and family

were constantly praying for.

Let my eyes see filthy rotten things they never should have seen.

Let my heart beat for things it never should have loved.

Let my mind go filthy places it never should have gone.

Made life a game- I wanted to win, I wanted to score, I wanted to chase, nothing deeper.

Everything was gray, nothing was black and white or right and wrong- just depended on the circumstance.

Made people either friends or enemies- no forgiveness, no mercy, all out hatred.

Saw the worst in people and what they were lacking and also in myself.

JUDGED people.

I swore on the Holy Bible that I didn't do something I actually did- I lied under oath, blasphemed God.

Stirred up lust, made my brothers stumble.

That was old, I am NEW.

I want to be sober when my Savior returns.

I want to be ready "in the twinkling of an eye," I want to bow before my King, humbly,

just "ME."

One sip, one night, one phase just may lead to feeling/ doing any of the above OR may cause your sister/brother/ best friend/husband/wife/ gf/ bf to experience these things because you ENCOURAGED that drink. Where does my anger stem from? Who ever would have guessed!? When I see alcohol, smell it, feel it, THIS is where my mind goes- BACK to all those things I did; to that person that I WAS.

Praise God that REPENTANCE has wiped my slate clean! I AM a NEW creation. I AM secure in JUST being ME. 11 months, 12 days sober and getting further and further from where I've been.

1 Peter 3:4"...we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now!"

Mark 3:28 "...There's nothing done or said that can't be forgiven. But if you persist in your slanders against God's Holy Spirit, you are repudiating the very One who forgives, sawing off the branch on which you're sitting, severing by your own perversity all connection with the One who forgives."

1 Peter 1:23 "...Your new life is not like your old life"

Galations 6:1 "If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out."

Where do good friends come from?

Do you ever think you'd be a better Christian if your friends were better Christians? Have you wondered how to even get involved with other believers? Have you wondered where to find genuinely good friends that have your back, that love you unconditionally, that you can talk about God with and not feel like a "bad person"? Have you ever felt lonely, and just wanted a best friend to talk with you and make you feel better?

In highschool, I was involved with Young Life- a christian organization that didn't force religion, condemn students, or feel like a cult of some sort. I think some of the BEST times of my life were here. Christian college students came to our school, invited us to "club" meetings, invested in our lives, poured out their energy and love on us, and shuffled their schedule around to hang out with us, pray for us, make us feel worth something, and continuously letting us know that we were loved by God and that he had great plans for us. At camp, in Saranac, NY, I really found FUN in fellowship, fun in God, deeper relationships, and a time I would never forget.

At times I was on fire for God, but nearing Senior year, I totally checked out on my spiritual journey. I felt guilty in the things I was doing, and regretfully, took it out on my leaders. I have since apologized, but I'm finally coming to realize how valuable that organization, that fellowship, that leadership was in my life.

In college, I met a guy who introduced me to this organization, similar to Young Life, called Campus Outreach. I dove head first in trying to straighten out my life, to get back in church, continue finding the purpose God had for me, and regaining my strength in the Lord.

For a while I had awesome friends- people that were ALWAYS there. No one called and backed out at the last second. Everyone wanted to be together often. It wasn't something you dreaded doing. I looked forward to being with these people-- these Christians who genuinely cared about me AND my spiritual walk. I learned to have fun SOBER, to laugh hysterically at things that weren't mean-spirited or perverted, to genuinely worship, to join in prayer and SEE God do MIRACLES!

Some how, I let Satan destroy my relationship/ involvement with this ministry, too. I started to crave the partying, the drinking, the guys, etc. I didn't want to give up EVERYTHING of my old life. I started hanging out with my drinking buddies again, started dating a non-Christian on-again-off-again ex boyfriend, and eventually found myself feeling separated from fellowship, separated from God, back sliding in my walk, and feeling guilty.

Now, I am in a totally different place- I found myself at the foot of the cross, repenting and seeing why God wanted me to give up those things, that he really did have my best interest at heart- Now, I CRAVE the fellowship. I CRAVE these friendships I easily found through these organizations.

Even in my women's Bible study at church, I look at the bond between my leaders. The are best friends, and sisters in Christ. They have a unique friendship that you can't help but crave! They call each other out in truth, pray for each other in trials, lead together in wisdom, but they are different individuals. They struggle in different areas, and the stronger one builds the other up in that area. They are SO lucky! I WANT a Christian best friend like that. I want a group of Christian fellowship. Why? Because God created us to have it!

I'm listening to a podcast my my old Pastor in Myrtle Beach, called "Two are better than One." He talks about God creating us to NEED each other. He talks about REAL friendships- the kind God intended us to have... the kind that we should be willing to lay down our life for. Friends are there in good times and in bad times (Proverbs 17:17). You build each other up and encourage each other. You don't lose anything by strengthening the other. "They encourage you when you're trying to quit smoking and you encourage them when they're trying to get a diet plan started." "You spur them on when they're getting slack in they're quiet time, and they spur you on when you're getting slack in your's." You pray for each other when the other is going through a heavy time. "Though one may be overpowered, TWO can defend themselves" (Ecc. 4:12). It becomes easier to fight battles when someone has your back.

Pastor Jeff continues to say that, "this friendship doesn't happen in "casual relationships." It's not just saying hey to people at church", it's not just acquaintances; "it's not just having a lot of companions that will drink a beer with you or watch a game." Those companions aren't "bad people" but there's just not a bond there that adds strength to you as a Christian. "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother"(Prov. 18:24). "Friendships ADD strength to us."

I took for granted the accessibility of Christian fellowship when I was in high school and in college. Now, I find large groups of casual relationships more common. The small groups I find are either people all struggling with the same issues that don't strengthen you, or they are for their church members only. I'm finding more and more that friendships are solely becoming based on convenience. People are more satisfied with companions. Few WANT the "accountability." Or people are like me- the old me... not wanting to give up old friends, hobbies, parties, relationships; or feel guilty in a small group of Christians; or wanting to live one foot in the world and one foot in the word.

This isn't really a "how-to" blog, or one to answer the questions I previously proposed, or one to necessarily relate to my readers... but more a prayer... a cry out to God, to this generation: that I have a passion to see places like CharlotteOne, local churches, and people who haven't even found a place to be filled to OVERFLOW with small group opportunities. To place fellowship, friendships, bonds, and people of God higher up on their list of priorities. I don't want people to come get lost in a crowd, or feel of worth to only one "type" of people, I want people to be able to connect with others that they actually LIKE. That have things in common, but are strong where the other is weak. I want our generation to go deeper with people, to seek out accountability parters, prayer partners, defenders in their battles, but yet find freedom, healing, fun, and satisfaction. I want people to CRAVE these friendships, to draw nearer to God just being around these friends, to speak in truth, grow together, lead together, and raise up future generations teaching them ALL that God has offered, and to take advantage of it!

(Ecc. 4:12b) "A cord of three strands is not easily broken."

(Ecclesiastes 4:10) "If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!"