Even though I feel like certain "sins" didn't become an issue or a struggle until certain circumstances, I started looking through some old journal entries, some dating back to 2001, and I can't help but see the SAME person struggling with the SAME sins.
I think this blog is gonna be another one of those that "puts myself out there" but I really feel like someone will benefit from reading this, and God already knows my story, so who am I to hide from?
Let's talk about relationships, love, lust, sex, for a minute and how important they are. The Bible says you are to "guard your heart for it is the wellspring of LIFE." A wellspring is a source from which something flows from. Once you damage/pollute/dry up the source anything flowing from it, if any at all, will be tainted.
Back in highschool, I can name hundreds of reasons why my life went off track. It was basically a slippery slope just one "not-so-bad" thing leading to something else that's "not-so-bad" that lead me further and further from the truth. In previous journals, I have noticed that I am the QUEEN of justification! I have an EXCUSE for EVERYTHING! No matter what it is, I could explain a "good reason" why I did it or why it happened.
I also have an addictive personality- if I didn't have this love interest, it had to be someone else. I can be addicted to church activities...going to the gym...then it at some point it was drinking every night. Once I couldn't drink as much, it was drugs. Once I gave up drugs, it was sex. And the devil lead me on this spiraling journey that was leading me straight to the grave... but I had an excuse. It never seemed "that bad" when I was doing it. I got used to it, I rationalized it, I justified my sin, I had no idea that I was no longer letting God control my life, but letting my "old man" take over.
*If you don't know what I mean by "old man" or "old self", let me clarify. The Bible says once we let Christ come into our lives, we are a NEW creature, the old has gone and the new has come. We are no longer living by our "flesh" or according to OUR will, but seeking God on every decision, remolding our character, and letting Him take control of our lives.
No matter how old you get or how spiritually mature you become, your "old-man" never dies. My Bible study leader describes it as being strapped to your back. The old-man ALWAYS wants you to do what FEELS good, what is COMFORTABLE, to JUSTIFY your sin, to DO IT ONE MORE TIME! Ever feel like that? And it may not be every area, you are just weak to a couple sins that reappear over and over and over again.
That lust I struggle with, my old-self that trained my mind to think it wasn't bad, that the body feels good, that other people are having sex all the time before marriage, if it isn't technically sex, it's ok, I was drunk, so it didn't count.... no matter what relationship you're in, you're old self is telling you that something else is better, or that you won't be good enough, or that if you wanted that guy or girl sexually, you could have them... past flames try to reignite the fire, people look better just because you can't have them, you want to give up being "good" because your old self had more fun, or you rationalize that you can be better later...that if you have sex with this person, or cheat on this girlfriend or boyfriend, or facebook your ex just to see if you get the "butterflies" and the "good feelings." It's ALL a lie. It will all take away from what God has for you. You will have to fight this battle over and over again if you struggle with lust. Your old-self is ALWAYS whispering in your ear, urging you to satisfy your hunger for it.
Or what about drinking. You have a weakness towards being the party girl. You know that one drink doesn't do it for you... you don't drink to get a buzz, you drink to get WASTED! You may have turned your life over to God, but like me, you struggle with wanting and craving that satisfaction of knowing you had fun, people had a blast with you, you will have so many memories (that others have told you, of course, because you were too black out drunk to remember). God wants you to get your confidence from Him. He wants you to be a living advertisement pointing others to Him and the JOY in life that only He can bring. I thought if I just surround myself with non-drinkers I'll be fine, if I just hide out in my room I won't be tempted, if I stay sober for 90 days I won't crave another drink... Bad news... that old-self is still strapped on my back saying, "you can drink again when you don't drink to party... or as long as you don't get black-out you'll be fine... or just get wasted one more time, then your boyfriend will see how FUN you can be." LIE. LIE. LIE.
For me, these things are a HUGE weakness. I love the feeling, the fun, then pleasure, and that's exactly why God calls me to abstain. It is too easy for that one drink to slippery-slope to two. It is easy for me to find pleasure in those things that eventually separate me from God. They become "strongholds" in my life, idols, even... that slow or take away the pleasure I get from serving and seeking the Lord, and replace it with temporary satisfaction I can get from THINGS.
Or what about Faith. Do you struggle with knowing that God wants the BEST for you? Do you find yourself praying for BIG things or only for you to be "happy" or "content." Do you trust that he can make something out of nothing or make a way when there is NO way... or do you find yourself figuring out other options?
Maybe you don't have a weakness for lust, drinking, sex, relationships, but you do have WEAKNESSES. You do have an old-self strapped to your back, nagging you to fulfill your desires of the flesh. Your old-self will never die, not until you meet Jesus. But there are things that we can do. I have found through EXPERIENCE that IDENTIFYING your weaknesses makes a HUGE difference. Whether it's pride, lust, envy, people-pleasing, stealing, relationships, gossip, and the list goes on, we all can make a list of the things we have to fight off more than others.
Then we can figure out WHEN and WHERE we are vulnerable. Are you struggling with drinking, but yet your Friday night hangout is the bar? Are you struggling with lust, yet your boyfriend spends the night? We need to find where our battleground is.
We also need to identify our weapons. Find it in scripture. Take your weakness to the Word and find what the Lord says about it or other people that struggled with it in the Bible. Take it to the Lord in prayer. If we truly want to surrender this weakness, let the Lord become our strength- no matter how many times we've come to Him with the same thing... he ALWAYS wants to help and to see us through it!
I think another important thing is to know WHY and WHAT we are fighting for. Why do we want to overcome this weakness? I've stressed before that God calls us to be Holy, because He is Holy, but there are blessings here on Earth that we are missing out on, if we live for the short term satisfaction of our flesh.
If you are a drinker, I guarantee there are a list of things you WOULDN'T have done if you hadn't been drinking- that kiss, that fight, that last word, that anger, giving your body away, lying, etc. Right?
If you're someone that struggles with lust- you think what's one more guy or one more time... yeh, now you may not care, but when you finally meet the man of your dreams you will never know (at least I hope you won't) how painful it is to be truthful about your past. The way you feel when you wished that you had never given yourself away physically/ mentally/ and emotionally away to any one else before him. The struggles that come when you can't give or are scared to give 100% of yourself to the RIGHT one. Our heart is our "wellspring", we should guard it and not let it get polluted with relationships that didn't work out, or loving someone who only tore us down, or spent our time trying to make someone happy, when all they did was make us cry...or it will overflow into your life and your life will become dry, depressed, bitter, unsatisfied, quenched, purposeless.
If pride is your weakness, don't let this become a quality that "makes you, you."
You can always change who you are...in fact God wants you to! He wants the old to be gone and the new to come. And when the old-self starts tapping you on the back he wants you to be committed to the person you have become, identify your weakness, surrender it to the Lord, and keep on pressing on because the end is near.
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