"Why didn't I obey?"

As I'm planning and preparing for the Bible study for teen girls, I came across the very verses I found myself praying after I came to a dead end.

At the end of a crazy four years of college, I found myself at the bottom of a pit. I've talked in depth about this pit in previous posts, but to sum it all up I'd say I found myself confused, used, broken, and hopeless. The way I was living (wild and carefree) lead me to destruction. 

Nothing can describe the loneliness, the regret, the fear, and the feeling of being unworthy because of the things I had done.

Do you ever get to a place where you say Lord I give up? I give up living for me. I give up hurting YOUR heart. I give up wanting my OWN way. I give up trying to fulfill myself with "dead things" that won't last. 

I KNEW it was because I had strayed off the path God himself had for me. I didn't follow his laws. I didn't live according to His word. I didn't see the hedge of protection he built for me as "good"... instead, I carved a way out of it to live foolishly.

No one can go back in time and re-do their life. No one can heal themselves. No one can restore their body to purity. No one can erase one night. No one can mend a relationship that was broken. No one can forgive AND forget what someone else has done to them. No one can make their soul happy.

No human can do any of this themselves. They can only turn to the One who is the Healer, who covers your sin and makes you blameless in God's sight, who can give you the strength to forgive, who can bring justice to the people who have hurt you. Turn to the One who puts your sin as far as the East and from the West! Turn to the One who can give you NEW life and a passion for His kingdom.

I realized I was out of God's will because I was in my own. I craved his laws. I craved his provision. I finally saw WHY there were so many rules and why things were wrong or were meant to be saved for a different season. I desired to see the white and black of sin.

If you are struggling with looking for direction, stuck in a pit, wondering what the NEXT step is, or ready to give up... Seek God's word... ask for wisdom... ask God to open your eyes and give you direction... and He will!.. then OBEY!


Here are the verses I desired for my life from Psalm 119:


^9-16 How can a young person live a clean life?
      By carefully reading the map of your Word.
   I'm single-minded in pursuit of you;
      don't let me miss the road signs you've posted.
   I've banked your promises in the vault of my heart
      so I won't sin myself bankrupt. 
   Be blessed, God;
      train me in your ways of wise living.
   I'll transfer to my lips
      all the counsel that comes from your mouth;
   I delight far more in what you tell me about living 
      than in gathering a pile of riches.
   I ponder every morsel of wisdom from you,
      I attentively watch how you've done it.
   I relish everything you've told me of life,
      I won't forget a word of it.
 ^17-24 Be generous with me and I'll live a full life;
      not for a minute will I take my eyes off your road.
   Open my eyes so I can see
      what you show me of your miracle-wonders.
   I'm a stranger in these parts;
      give me clear directions.

⁴¹ Let your love, God, shape my life
      with salvation, exactly as you promised;
   Then I'll be able to stand up to mockery
      because I trusted your Word. 




Pretty much the whole chapter was a desire for God to come back into my life. Reveal himself in a BIG way and overflow into a life of holy and wise living.