MY TESTIMONY "He who walks with integrity walks securely" Proverbs 10:9

This morning, I had one of those "God moments," where suddenly you have a realization of where God's hand was in a situation. I was trying to think back to defining moments of why I decided to give up certain habits and addictions and live like God wanted me to. I couldn't think of anything in particular... it seems like one giant process!

Since I was saved when I was younger, I started going deeper in my relationship with Christ. All the way up until high school, I was constantly pursuing God's will for my life. I was involved with Bible Studies, Discipleship Groups, Witnessing, Praying, using my talents in the Drama and Vocal Teams at church, Daily Devotions, taking up Leadership positions at my Christian School, True Love Waits Program, etc. I knew that God had saved me, but since I had known His goodness so long, I wanted to know what was I being "saved" from? That was probably the most ridiculous request ever! Who asks to be burned so they can know why they are supposed to stay away from the fire? I guess its not completely absurd, but it does show immaturity and lack of wisdom. Be careful what you pray for.

When I decided to step out of God's provision, partaking of the things this world had to offer, I think it was fueled by broken relationships. 2 of my close friends died in a car wreck, followed by a couple other friends and I had never dealt with DEATH before; my unbelievable youth pastor was led to another state; I decided to go to public school where I missed out on the Godly environment and friends that I had at private school. I didn't want to feel the pain. I had been teased for being a "cry baby" before, so I didn't want to shed any tears. I didn't want to lull on the fact maybe I could have done or said something different. I buried it deep down.

Somehow, and I believe through the prayers of my family and the foundation I had had, I always had hope that things wouldn't be like this forever. When Jesus said he gives you "a hope and a future, " I believe that. In high school, I lost my purity in so many ways. I became addicted to alcohol, weed, prescription drugs and street drugs. I was trying to find anything to give me a "good feeling" and when that one ended, I didn't want to face pain, I just wanted to reach for another "good feeling". I didn't wanna man-up and face the pain and shed the tears, in fact I didn't even know at the time how broken I was. I had fun doing those things, but it also brought FEAR.

I had so many close calls to death and so many lies to cover it up. I honestly had no idea how close to death I was, I thought I was "living." I thought I was "happy." And even as I think about it now, I have no reason, other than God, why I desired to get out of Charlotte, to go to college, and to quit the lifestyle I had become enslaved to. That hope and future He had given me long ago, resonated with me even when I chose the darkness over the light. He even gave me dreams that stood as metaphors of being on the road to death and the only way to life was by being rescued, by Christ. They impacted me so much. When God wants to get your attention, He will. He will even use DREAMS to get it! I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, that if I just got to college, I could start over. I COULD GET AWAY FROM THE TEMPTATIONS AND THE ACCESSIBILITY.

Finally, I made it to COLLEGE. Freedom! Right?! No? People in college still drink and smoke. College was like a roller coaster, wanting to be the party girl on Friday night and the church girl on Sunday. Each semester was different. My second year, I struggled with alcohol the most. I thought, compared to the things I USED to do, alcohol wasn't nearly as bad. Then it became drinking til I blacked-out, I only wanted to do stuff if I could drink before, and I got angry when I couldn't drink. I tried doing a few drugs again, but it wasn't the same. I thought I was going to die. It was like the millionth time I'd taken it, but the first experience that wasn't a "good feeling." I thought 'I'm going to have to go to the ER and then my parents are going to find out their daughter died from drugs'. It scared me so much that I vowed NEVER to do that again. The "good feeling" I could give myself was just as scary as the pain I'd been trying to hide. It wasn't a sure thing anymore. It wasn't reliable.Then I got involved with a church/ college ministry called Campus Outreach, mainly because of a guy I liked. Everything I did, I told myself I was doing it for God, but I was really doing it for the guy I liked. Everything is temporary, unless it comes from Christ.

I was a yo-yo "Christian." Another couple friends died, people I didn't even know if they were Christians. I felt guilty because I felt like if I had been living, loving, and sharing the gospel, maybe it wouldn't have happened. Or at least I would have KNOWN they were in heaven. There's nothing harder than hearing a preacher at a funeral saying well "they are in a better place," when the fact is they're not. You're never going to see them again because you had the opportunity to tell them about Christ and His love and you DIDN'T. It gave me even more of a reason to forget about God. I thought if my lifestyle matched the world's, I could run from the blame of knowing hope and eternal life and not sharing. The devil filled my mind with SO MANY LIES!

After yet another broken relationship with a guy of 3 years, more lies of Satan breaking down my self-image and self-worth, I was on the verge of suicide. Alcohol fuels emotions to be stronger, more irrational, and takes you out of control of your own body. One night, I thought it would be my last. I went to a bar with the intentions of leaving and crashing my car. I had literally lost all hope, all self-worth, all love, all control, and God sent a friend of mine to act on His behalf. My friend said he KNEW I would be there and that he was supposed to come. He talked to me for hours in the parking lot telling me I deserved better, that sometimes I need to say "Thy Will Be Done" and let things go. He reminded me that God had better things planned for me. I left that night with the intentions now, of not ENDING my life but CHANGING my life.

From that point on, I sought counseling, got back in church, and cut back my drinking habits. I began to see that living in sin was living in FEAR. You have to worry if you drink and drive and get in a car wreck, you have to worry about being pregnant or STDs, you have to worry about losing friends because you hooked up with their boyfriend, you have to worry about your secrets finding you out and spreading all over campus, you have to worry about if you were to go to the hospital because of a drug you took that your parents would be so hurt that you CHOSE to take the drugs. People are dying all over of things they can't control: war, cancer, disease, crime, yet, WE CHOOSE to do things that take the days and years off our lives. You have to worry about who would be the daughter to your mother, the daddy's girl to your father, the best friend to your sister, the lover of your dog, the listener to your friends, the wife of your future husband, if something happened to you!

I started praying for WISDOM. I wanted to know what I was supposed to do to change my life and DO IT. I started praying that I would desire going to church more than drinking and that God would take away the desires I had for the things of this world, because I know I couldn't give them up on my own. Was it hard when people called wanting me to go out, and I had to ignore the call? YES! Was it difficult when the guy I thought I "loved" wanted to come spend the night and I had to act like I was dating someone else? YES! Was it sad and lonely spending time by myself sometimes? YES! But I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, that after graduation and moving out of Myrtle Beach I could go HOME. I could go back and be surrounded by my family that had been PRAYING for me to turn back and that they would REJOICE in my return, as the prodigal's father rejoiced at his son's return.

Moving back to Charlotte, I made a goal to stop drinking, to HEAL from the broken relationships, to find FREEDOM from the fears and lies, and to be RESTORED. I read Beth Moore's 'Breaking Free', and then her book, 'Get Out of That Pit.' I avoided places of temptation. I put my focus on other things like finding a career and fitness. I joined a Bible study for women that was starting in the fall. I realized the importance of accountability, but also the importance of WANTING, CRAVING, AND NEEDING CHRIST for yourself. I started memorizing verses and posting them up to remind me of the scripture's TRUTH. The Bible says that when it comes to the path of the wicked, you are to "Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn from it and go on your way." (Prov. 4:15). I avoided going out, I changed my number to avoid past relationship temptations, I avoided friends that wanted to party and drink, I avoided alcohol. In avoiding stumbling blocks, I went through valleys of loneliness, anger, confusion, hopelessness, etc. BUT in MY brokenness and weakness, the Lord became my confidence and strength! I started to find that my desires changed and I wanted His desires for my life.

My Bible study served as another light of hope. A connection with other believers; a mentor; godly fellowship; and people that would pray on my behalf (Prov. 15:29 "The LORD is far from the wicked but he hears the prayer of the righteous."). Also, I wanted to fill my time completely, because I find that it is easier to stumble in times of idleness. The Bible Study taught me Satan's lies and how to go to God's word for the truth. In my quiet times, I started realizing all the PERSONAL lies Satan had told me through other people, through circumstances, etc. And when I went to God's truth about it, I began to see I do have worth, I do have a purpose, I am beautiful, I can receive blessings, I do deserve a Godly husband, I can be restored, and many more things He is still reminding me today! I also learned that everyone is a new creature when they are saved. I can pinpoint things of my "old nature" that I struggle with more: lust, jealousy, anger, pride, self-image, patience and find ways to removing what makes my stumble, and realize that that's not who I am in Christ, because I am a NEW CREATION.

I learned that "I can't behave my way into a relationship with Christ, and I can't misbehave my way out of it, either." Christ isn't hesitant to call me his child again, He LONGS to do that! When you go off the path, the moment you choose to follow Christ again, He carves a way back to it. People who love God and have God in them, can love like God. They can love you past your pain, love you in spite of your sin, love you no matter where you've been and where you're going. While they're love may not always seem evident, God's love NEVER FAILS; it's NEVER TEMPORARY.

In this, I found new names that I can call God and know exactly WHY. When I sought freedom from addiction, He gave me DELIVERANCE; when I was broken from failed relationships, He was my RESTORER; when I was lonely, He became the LOVER OF MY SOUL; when I thought that I was nothing, he became my REDEEMER; when I was weak, He became my STRENGTH; when I was the one sheep that strayed, He was the SHEPHERD that came to find me; when I thought all was lost and at the end of my rope, He was my RESCUER; when I sought direction, He became my HOPE. When I was scared, He became my REFUGE.

I now know what I was saved FROM and I never want to return to that place again. I've seen the darkness and I love living in the light. I've felt what it feels to live in fear, and now I love God's provision. When I used to think the gate around me was restraining me, I now see that it was protecting me. The other day, I picked up this verse on a little slip of paper out of a basket at the YMCA, "He who walks with integrity walks securely." (Prov. 10:9). The biggest change after going through all that, is knowing that when you are following God's will, you won't be fearful. When you are loving Him, you want to obey Him; when you're obeying Him you don't have anything to worry about. When your life is in His hands, you are secure. It is so much better dying to LIVE than Living to Die, and I want to live for eternity. I also know now that I may be the last chance someone has to hear about God, and I don't want to EVER question again if I was living and sharing God's word with my friends.

If I went through ALL this to change ONE life, it was worth it!