"I am Never Good Enough"

Have you ever wondered why you are the way you are? Why are you angry? Why do you keep going back to the same guy that mistreats you? Why do you feel like you need to be better or you're never good enough? Why an independent, strong, working, stubborn, controlling woman is NOT the image or the heart of the woman God invisioned?

Through this book, Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge, and through fasting, I’m realizing my weaknesses. Areas that God wants to make known to me and show me how disgusting it is, then purge them from me by laying them down continuously. It's like the closer I get to a holy God, the more I realize how unholy I am.

I am CONTROLLING. 

When things were out of my control, I got hurt. I think alcohol and drugs really attributed to this. I LOVED being out of control, I loved who I was, but I also was violated during these times. My Spirit and soul hid under a rock, while I let sexual immorality, drunkenness, profanity, impurity, and pride hack away at the very essence of who I was meant to be. From then on, the point I decided to quit letting these things corrupt me, take advantage of me, and abuse me, I vowed to ALWAYS BE IN CONTROL. But now, that is taking a toll on my relationships on earth and my relationship with God. I’ve built a wall around my vulnerability and my heart. I’ve forgotten how to trust. I don’t even trust GOD with his will for my life and his will for other people in my life. I want my own way, because at least I’ve prepared myself for every possible outcome. I analyze every situation, jump to conclusions, think the worse, and avoid things that call me to have faith.

I have believed the lies that I am 

WORTHLESS, UGLY, and that NO ONE CARES about me.

In this book, it says that a woman’s worst fear, is of abandonment. I think that this fear would be the result of these lies:

If I consider myself “worthless”,

I am fearful that I have no substance, that no one sees me, that I don’t have a purpose, that I’m not good enough, and if I don’t have these things people will leave me. 

If I consider myself “ugly”, 

I am fearful that no one will give me attention, that I should hide, that no one sees me, that I am disgusting, that I am not a prize to anyone, that I don’t deserve to be with someone I love, and if I don’t have beauty, people won’t even make an effort to be with me. 

If I consider that “no one cares about me”, 

I am fearful that I don’t mean anything, that even if I did the greatest thing in the world, no one would be proud, that my accomplishments mean nothing, that no one would notice if I was gone, that if people don’t show up for my birthday, would anyone even show up to my wedding or funeral? If no one cares about me, I’m in this world alone.

I am SELFISH. 

I want things my way. I think that I am right all the time. I don’t want to share. My money is my money. I am thinking about marriage and becoming ONE, and SHARING and UNIFYING and I get a little upset. I think I’ve learned to find my worth in things, in ideas, in a paycheck, in sustainability, in comfortability and when these things are jeopardized I feel like it’s because of someone else. I feel like I focus on where I am now and how I can live by myself, do things by myself, and accomplish things alone that if anyone else ruins what I’ve established I will fail. I am fearful of living in debt, always owing something, living to please others, never getting fulfilled or feeling satisfied, getting fat, losing beauty, being helpless and hopeless. I feel like if it is all up to me, I can steer clear of things that will cause this, but if I have to rely on someone else, I will surely destruct.

I am ANGRY. 

I have so much bitterness and resentment inside me. I have been hurt by people, circumstances, substances, and any time these things resurface in any way I’m brought back to a disturbing place. I’m angry when I feel like people don’t stick up for me- my opinions, my dreams, my choices; when people won't fight for me. I get angry when I feel like people don't want others to know I'm there's or that they don't take pride in me.

I have bitterness harboring all the way

 from middle school.

No one stuck up for me. When I had no friends and felt attacked every day, I felt like even my parents didn’t stick up for me. I never heard anyone say I was beautiful or captivating or of worth. I heard “it will get better” or that I was overreacting, but deep down I wanted to have someone stick up for me to the insulters, to shout I was beautiful from the rooftops, to declare I was the daughter of the King, and how dare someone make me feel unworthy, ugly, and like an outcast. 

I have bitterness harboring from a past relationship. 

For 3 years, I was an emotional wreck. I was that happiest and the saddest. I felt I would never be good enough to be his girlfriend. I never felt like a prize in public. There was always something I had to fix about the way I looked or dressed. There was no getting to know my truest self, my soul, my mind, my heart, it was always about how good I could be physically. I hated every girl he delighted in. He made me feel like he was embarrassed to call me his, or that I wasn’t good enough to show his affection in public. Though I struggled with it for over a year, I let it go, I forgave the girls, and found a love to cover my wounds and tries to heal me the best he can. But i’m finding now that I never truly FORGAVE him. I allow resentment to destroy my current relationships. I become more and more like the source of my bitterness and resentment because I haven’t forgiven him or really let go of it.

Through ALL of this I have learned that I have been taking my hurt, my broken heart, my feelings to everything else BUT God. Sure others may do their best to help, books may give some insight, time may make it fuzzy, but they can only numb the pain. I have thrown on a mask, put a band-aid on my open wound, and done everything I can to take my mind off the hurt. Some of these things that have contributed to the way I am, occurred 10 years ago. I have been looking to the world to find my worth, to other things to make me beautiful, to other people to heal me. I have completely forgotten to take my heart to God. 

The fact is that EVERYONE will let me down. EVERYONE is capable of hurting me. NOTHING in this world will heal me. No amount of TIME will make me get over it. 

BUT God is ALWAYS there. He is the only one you can put your trust in, the only one who can validate your worth, the only one who determines your beauty, the only one who can rescue you and restore you. He is the HEALER and the giver of life. He is the one who came to “give you back your heart and set you free.”  He is the only one that will ALWAYS be “furious at the Enemy who did this to you” and will fight for you. He is the only one who can comfort you. He will “bestow beauty on you where you have only known devastation.” 

Because YOU bear the beauty of Christ, and you are the giver of life (can give birth), the Devil HATES this. He is throwing everything at you to destroy you. The Devil has come to wound your heart, destroy your soul, and bring lasting hurt. BUT God has already defeated the enemy! God wants to be the giver of TRUTH in your life, strip away the bondage, get rid of what lies beat you down every day, release you from their chains, restore your fragile soul, and remind you that you CAN trust Him. Even if everything in this world has left you, He never will. Even if everyone hurts you, He never will. 

Even if you feel defeated, destroyed, ugly, worthless, not enough, hurt, He wants you to know that He can change your life. The things I struggle with are ways the Devil has beat me down. The things that had power over me- will have power no more. He has so many things waiting for me, for you: He wants to give you beauty for ashes, strength, comfort, the power to forgive, the ability to forget, the strength to get over it, and the healing that renews. I want to RISE up to the BEAUTIFUL, WORTHY, worth fighting for, self-less, trusting, giving the benefit of the doubt, CONFIDENT, FORGIVING woman He intended me to be and stop believing the LIES that Satan pours into my life! 

WHO’S with me???




ISAIAH 61:1-3 (Our Mission as Christians)
THE SPIRIT of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and afflicted;
 He has sent me to bind up and heal the brokenhearted, 
to proclaim liberty to the [physical and spiritual] captives and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound,^{(A)
    2}To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of His favor] ^[a]and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,^{(B)
    3}To grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion--
to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes, 
the oil of joy instead of mourning, 
the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit--that they may be called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], 
the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.