"Church People Aren't Like ME"

Church seems like a place for people who are trying to be perfect. They say they are "blessed" and sometimes the people raising their hands make you uncomfortable. Why do people put on this "holy act" when they are in church?

Some people are just not in to "church." Some are just not in to hanging with believers or going to church events. Some assume that these people struggle with the "small sins" and they can "never relate" to me or where I've been.

I think I wouldn't be too far out there if I said that most Sunday attenders won't connect through more than a handshake for fear of being "condemned." On one hand you don't want to be "fake", but on the other you might actually WANT what they have.

I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that we ALL have sinned and we ALL fall short. There is not one single person in the church that will go to heaven on behalf of what he has DONE. I am becoming more aware that the Devil really does try to destroy your ministry by telling you that everyone will think you are "fake", that you have a past that's too bad to change, or that if people knew a certain part of your life, they would lose all respect for you.

I'm in a women's Bible study at my church, and last night I was so BLESSED to get together with women who are more "mature" in age than I ;) but to see that EVERY woman in there, no matter where they are in their walk with the Lord, feels like there are areas that hold them captive, areas they fall short in, and a unifying urge to help each other conquer our weaknesses and to build each other up WITHOUT any condemnation.

My boyfriend is in the Men's Bible study called "Role of a Man" and different men share their testimony and where God has brought them from, and on Sunday, he pointed to a deacon of the church that shared and told me it was awesome to hear where he had come from to where he is now.

I'm continuously encouraged by LEADERS that have been where I'VE been and yet still are serving the kingdom in their NEW SELF.

More and more I am meeting people: leaders, elders, other christian women, that I think have it all together BUT then they tell me a little about where they came from... the addictions, the abuse, the abandonment, the mistrust, the alcohol, the drugs, the loss, the pain... and after meeting more and more of these people-- I could not believe how my perception of the church had changed!

This church is full of SINNERS! Wow. What better place for them... for US to be than united all together in a pursuit to love Christ because he gave His life for ours.... to WORSHIP a God that sees us as His CHILDREN, to lift up holy hands in adoration of who HE is in spite of who we are, to join together to build one another up and to catch one if they fall, to put on our NEW self... I think it is such a testimony of how the Holy Spirit covers our sin and separates us far from our past when we see someone we think "has it all together" and be utterly SHOCKED by the story of their past.

I've learned that people don't lift up their hands because they want to seem "holy"... they lift them up in surrender. They cry to let the pain out and let healing in. I think that when you have repented and been forgiven you shouldn't even hesitate to give Him all the praise. Sometimes we forget our OWN past. We forget that we fall short and that we deserve death... we forget that EVERYONE is offered the GIFT of eternal life and that EVERYONE in church IS like YOU... Everyone needs a Savior and the body of believers found sitting on the pews each Sunday KNOWS that they have sinned and that's EXACTLY why they are there!

They aren't there because they're perfect...they come to be forgiven! They aren't doing it to look "holy"... they come out of obedience! They don't come to judge the broken...they ARE broken, have been broken or will be broken and need restoration and joy! They don't come because they should..they come because their heart craves the Lord and to be filled with His word and missing out on meeting God makes you empty. They don't come to be a better person...they come because there's a God that loves them in spite of who they are. They don't come to appear strong... they come because God offers to carry their burden if they lay it at the cross.

Your Old Self Never Dies

Do you ever find yourself falling into the same "sin" over and over again? No matter how "godly" you become or how "sanctified" you feel, you still find yourself struggling at some point with an issue you've already dealt with.

Even though I feel like certain "sins" didn't become an issue or a struggle until certain circumstances, I started looking through some old journal entries, some dating back to 2001, and I can't help but see the SAME person struggling with the SAME sins.

I think this blog is gonna be another one of those that "puts myself out there" but I really feel like someone will benefit from reading this, and God already knows my story, so who am I to hide from?

Let's talk about relationships, love, lust, sex, for a minute and how important they are. The Bible says you are to "guard your heart for it is the wellspring of LIFE." A wellspring is a source from which something flows from. Once you damage/pollute/dry up the source anything flowing from it, if any at all, will be tainted.

Back in highschool, I can name hundreds of reasons why my life went off track. It was basically a slippery slope just one "not-so-bad" thing leading to something else that's "not-so-bad" that lead me further and further from the truth. In previous journals, I have noticed that I am the QUEEN of justification! I have an EXCUSE for EVERYTHING! No matter what it is, I could explain a "good reason" why I did it or why it happened.

I also have an addictive personality- if I didn't have this love interest, it had to be someone else. I can be addicted to church activities...going to the gym...then it at some point it was drinking every night. Once I couldn't drink as much, it was drugs. Once I gave up drugs, it was sex. And the devil lead me on this spiraling journey that was leading me straight to the grave... but I had an excuse. It never seemed "that bad" when I was doing it. I got used to it, I rationalized it, I justified my sin, I had no idea that I was no longer letting God control my life, but letting my "old man" take over.

*If you don't know what I mean by "old man" or "old self", let me clarify. The Bible says once we let Christ come into our lives, we are a NEW creature, the old has gone and the new has come. We are no longer living by our "flesh" or according to OUR will, but seeking God on every decision, remolding our character, and letting Him take control of our lives.

No matter how old you get or how spiritually mature you become, your "old-man" never dies. My Bible study leader describes it as being strapped to your back. The old-man ALWAYS wants you to do what FEELS good, what is COMFORTABLE, to JUSTIFY your sin, to DO IT ONE MORE TIME! Ever feel like that? And it may not be every area, you are just weak to a couple sins that reappear over and over and over again.

That lust I struggle with, my old-self that trained my mind to think it wasn't bad, that the body feels good, that other people are having sex all the time before marriage, if it isn't technically sex, it's ok, I was drunk, so it didn't count.... no matter what relationship you're in, you're old self is telling you that something else is better, or that you won't be good enough, or that if you wanted that guy or girl sexually, you could have them... past flames try to reignite the fire, people look better just because you can't have them, you want to give up being "good" because your old self had more fun, or you rationalize that you can be better later...that if you have sex with this person, or cheat on this girlfriend or boyfriend, or facebook your ex just to see if you get the "butterflies" and the "good feelings." It's ALL a lie. It will all take away from what God has for you. You will have to fight this battle over and over again if you struggle with lust. Your old-self is ALWAYS whispering in your ear, urging you to satisfy your hunger for it.

Or what about drinking. You have a weakness towards being the party girl. You know that one drink doesn't do it for you... you don't drink to get a buzz, you drink to get WASTED! You may have turned your life over to God, but like me, you struggle with wanting and craving that satisfaction of knowing you had fun, people had a blast with you, you will have so many memories (that others have told you, of course, because you were too black out drunk to remember). God wants you to get your confidence from Him. He wants you to be a living advertisement pointing others to Him and the JOY in life that only He can bring. I thought if I just surround myself with non-drinkers I'll be fine, if I just hide out in my room I won't be tempted, if I stay sober for 90 days I won't crave another drink... Bad news... that old-self is still strapped on my back saying, "you can drink again when you don't drink to party... or as long as you don't get black-out you'll be fine... or just get wasted one more time, then your boyfriend will see how FUN you can be." LIE. LIE. LIE.

For me, these things are a HUGE weakness. I love the feeling, the fun, then pleasure, and that's exactly why God calls me to abstain. It is too easy for that one drink to slippery-slope to two. It is easy for me to find pleasure in those things that eventually separate me from God. They become "strongholds" in my life, idols, even... that slow or take away the pleasure I get from serving and seeking the Lord, and replace it with temporary satisfaction I can get from THINGS.

Or what about Faith. Do you struggle with knowing that God wants the BEST for you? Do you find yourself praying for BIG things or only for you to be "happy" or "content." Do you trust that he can make something out of nothing or make a way when there is NO way... or do you find yourself figuring out other options?

Maybe you don't have a weakness for lust, drinking, sex, relationships, but you do have WEAKNESSES. You do have an old-self strapped to your back, nagging you to fulfill your desires of the flesh. Your old-self will never die, not until you meet Jesus. But there are things that we can do. I have found through EXPERIENCE that IDENTIFYING your weaknesses makes a HUGE difference. Whether it's pride, lust, envy, people-pleasing, stealing, relationships, gossip, and the list goes on, we all can make a list of the things we have to fight off more than others.

Then we can figure out WHEN and WHERE we are vulnerable. Are you struggling with drinking, but yet your Friday night hangout is the bar? Are you struggling with lust, yet your boyfriend spends the night? We need to find where our battleground is.

We also need to identify our weapons. Find it in scripture. Take your weakness to the Word and find what the Lord says about it or other people that struggled with it in the Bible. Take it to the Lord in prayer. If we truly want to surrender this weakness, let the Lord become our strength- no matter how many times we've come to Him with the same thing... he ALWAYS wants to help and to see us through it!

I think another important thing is to know WHY and WHAT we are fighting for. Why do we want to overcome this weakness? I've stressed before that God calls us to be Holy, because He is Holy, but there are blessings here on Earth that we are missing out on, if we live for the short term satisfaction of our flesh.

If you are a drinker, I guarantee there are a list of things you WOULDN'T have done if you hadn't been drinking- that kiss, that fight, that last word, that anger, giving your body away, lying, etc. Right?

If you're someone that struggles with lust- you think what's one more guy or one more time... yeh, now you may not care, but when you finally meet the man of your dreams you will never know (at least I hope you won't) how painful it is to be truthful about your past. The way you feel when you wished that you had never given yourself away physically/ mentally/ and emotionally away to any one else before him. The struggles that come when you can't give or are scared to give 100% of yourself to the RIGHT one. Our heart is our "wellspring", we should guard it and not let it get polluted with relationships that didn't work out, or loving someone who only tore us down, or spent our time trying to make someone happy, when all they did was make us cry...or it will overflow into your life and your life will become dry, depressed, bitter, unsatisfied, quenched, purposeless.

If pride is your weakness, don't let this become a quality that "makes you, you."

You can always change who you are...in fact God wants you to! He wants the old to be gone and the new to come. And when the old-self starts tapping you on the back he wants you to be committed to the person you have become, identify your weakness, surrender it to the Lord, and keep on pressing on because the end is near.

Plan A: Have Faith, Plan B: Take Control

Have you ever had your heart set on something, and then find out that you couldn't have it? Have you had "faith" but then thought about what you're going to do in case things fall through? Have you ever lost control over your entire situation and wonder what the heck you're gonna do, now? Have you prayed REALLY hard for something and heard NOTHING?

Sometimes we pray for things that God has already answered. God does call us to "pray and petition" and to "make our requests known" but we have to do our part and open our eyes to see when they are answered and how they are being answered. Sometimes we think we have FAITH, but that's because we still have some control.

You may have heard people say, "God always answers, it's either yes, no, or wait." Through the process of finding a place to live- that I blogged about a few weeks ago, I have learned to have faith. I'm reading a book called "Praying God's Word" by Beth Moore, about giving up strongholds in our life. The second chapter was on Disbelief. Not disbelieving IN Him, but disbelieving Him in general. In my scenario, I was disbelieving that God had it under control. I believe Him to be SO great and SO powerful- the creator, the King, the Savior.. but when it came down to my personal need, I doubted he CARED.

I also questioned my prayer life and the answers I thought I was hearing. I prayed for my choice to be EASY, but sometimes God does not answer according to OUR will, but to His will. I prayed for a QUICK answer, but sometimes God's perfect timing is not according to OUR timing. I prayed for FAITH, but instead I gave up. I called it "faith" in waiting, but in my mind I had been thinking of how I could control the situation with Plan B, C, and D.

At Charlotte One, we were learning about prayer. We went opened our Bibles up to the Lord's Prayer. I thought I had learned everything you could know about prayer. I mean, I pray a lot. I know the concept, I know the style, I know we are supposed to ask, and we are supposed to listen, I know how to give thanks and praise, I pray for others, my leaders, my family, etc. BUT we started talking about boldness in prayer. We talked about asking for GREAT things from a GREAT God. We talked about who HE is in comparison to the things we ask for. We are talking to the God who can give us the power to move mountains, and we think he can't handle our small stuff. I also learned that in all prayers, we are to say "Hallowed be Thy name", or to basically say, no matter what the result, my God is still mighty, still Holy, still omnipotent, and His will (which is better than our's) will still be done.

At church we sang a song, and I know this sounds stupid, but we sang lyrics that said "...He ALONE is worthy..." and all I kept hearing was "a LOAN." That put a smile on my face because I really felt like God was humorously reminding me He knew and heard my request. I find it easy to have "faith" when signs point to "yes", BUT the moment things start to spiral out of MY control, and it looks as if owning a home is hopeless, I wanted to give up, quit praying, and cop out because it wasn't EASY anymore. I laughed at how I thought a "miracle" would happen, I still feel "embarrassed" at how I thought God would use this as a "testimony of faith"... my prayers weren't answered in my time, under my control, and I thought God had already given me my answer, and the answer was "NO."

But the answer wasn't "no", it was "WAIT". Here I was, praying that I would have FAITH, but really, I was hoping that I would have CONTROL. God wanted me to get to the end of my rope, the end of my vision, he wanted me to think that there was NO way, and then make a way. He didn't want me to see MY way and fall back on my own plans and my own will, he wanted me to GIVE UP my control ENTIRELY. And there lies Faith. Faith is not always hoping for what you want, but believing that God will take care of you no matter what.

There have been countless times that God has shown His greatness in his Word. He brings life from the dead, birth from the barren, feast from the famine, leaps from the lame, sight from the blind, etc. I bet many of the Disciples watched Jesus hang on the cross, and almost EXPECT him to break free, to not completely die, to strike down all of his enemies... but he didn't. He died, stayed buried for three whole days, and then rose! How much greater did their faith become, when they had to BELIEVE he would return, rather than hope he would never face the grave. I think we find TRUE faith when we have no answers, feel as if God doesn't hear our prayers anymore, and feel completely out of control of our situation.

My loan ended up going through- with the help of my dad and through lots of PRAYER. Keep praying with BOLDNESS to a MIGHTY God who can do MORE than MIGHTY things. Let go of your control and find FAITH that God is GOOD and will take care of you no matter what! Believe that God's BLESSINGS are BETTER than our requests! And even when you think there is NO way, let Him be your Way-Maker. I am so thankful!!