"God, if you'll do THIS, then I will do THAT"

I can't remember a defining moment when I chose to go astray from my faith... I also don't know a defining moment when I came back to surrender my life again. I'm reading through old journal entries from a couple years ago, and the one thing that sticks out is that my life began to SUCK. Bad decisions led to bad consequences.

But I believed that God was GOOD. I also believed that God was POWERFUL. I believed that God had CONTROL over my future. And as I'm looking back, I see that BAD MISTAKES drove me to FEAR God. When I got scared, thinking about the consequences my mistakes might bring, I started bargaining with God. I  believed that if I changed my lifestyle, if I quit drinking, quit giving pieces of myself to guys, quit acting self-righteous and perfect, then God would erase my mistake and I could continue living my life, consequence-free. 

It was like I was saying God if you can just take care of THIS then I will do THAT. 

"I was scared I was pregnant because I missed my period. I prayed my life away forever and begged God to make me not pregnant. I realized that pregnancy could possibly be the worst thing that could happen to me at this time in my life. I made bargains saying I’d wait until I was married to have sex. I changed my life around for the next two weeks, had my quiet times, read Christian books, and became focused on getting my life together. I got my period the next week and was sooo relieved God pulled through. However, I got drunk twice this weekend, and had sex with my ex-boyfriend."

God delivers you and then you say, "thanks, but no thanks." (Quoted from a sermon by Rev. Washington). You want God's hand in your life when He's doing good, but you don't want Him in your life when you're doing bad!

I learned God doesn't want you to pick and choose which areas of your life to surrender. He doesn't want you to bargain with him and do a few good things just to fool him into giving you a lesser sentence. 

He's is the God that can use your hurt, your pain, your fear, and make you strong, joyful, and confident. He will "make away when there is no way." He is the God that says "if you have the faith of a mustard seed you can move mountains!" "And you can be placed in a fire and not get burned!" "Nothing can separate you from the love of Christ!" These words brought tears to my eyes. Here I am trying to bargain with God, trying to make it look like I'm a good person, trying to fool Him with my sorry's and my sorry attempts to cover my sin. 

"If my God is that great and loves a sinner like me that much, how am I not going to give him control over my entire life?!"

I realized that the things of this world were just destroying my life. All the parties, relationships, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc were destroying the life I was designed to have through the Spirit; the life led by the God that can move mountains! I realized the Devil creeps in and starts telling you that God won't want you because you've made "another mistake," but NOTHING can separate you from the LOVE of Christ. 

"I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I have no direction on what career to focus on, what friends to have, what relationships are healthy and meant to be, where to live, what to invest my time in… I’ve come to realize it’s because I haven’t been looking to the Director. I haven’t been praying for God to reveal His plans for my life and therefore, I have been taking all the wrong paths that have definitely led to dead-ends. "

 

When you realize that as much as you think you're in control of your life, that you're really not, and you realize that you could be in better places, doing better things.... When you're feeling lost and want direction... When you're tired of being scared of consequences... When you get to life's dead-ends...Give your life to the one who gave it to you! Give your life to the God that gave you a purpose, a God that gave you a calling, a God that can give you power in your faith to "say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20) 

God IS a God of JUSTICE, but He is ALSO a God of MERCY! AMEN?!