Ever find yourself on a spiritual mountain only to look at the people beside you wondering why they didn't even TRY to climb it? If you're are a married woman, do you ever feel like if YOU start growing spiritually you may kick your husband out of the "spiritual leader of the house" role? Do you feel like you settle for a mediocre relationship?
I started reading an amazing book called "The first 90 days of Marriage." Granted it says "first 90 days", but you can read it at any stage of marriage if you are struggling with your roles, your marriage and God, your sex life with your spouse, or just want to better your marriage through a Godly perspective.
I want to live a life that honors God. I want to be the wife that demonstrates Christ's love. I want to have a marriage that reflects Christ and the church. On my mission to change MYSELF, I have found that it is changing my marriage.
Through the book, the husband, Eric Ludy, writes about what a godly husband should look like- giving scenarios about football and sports and the wife, Leslie Ludy, writes about what a godly wife should look like with practical ways to mimic God's ideal. While the first part of the book mainly made me realize how selfish, prideful, and controlling I am, the next part showed me all the potential my husband could have. At first I tried to change my habits.
I am the absolute WORST at admitting when I'm wrong. It has been called to my attention- a lot recently and I just can't seem to say a simple "sorry." It is always followed by a justification. I don't know why... I guess I just feel like if people knew where I was coming from they wouldn't think I was a "bad" person or intentionally being mean. Looking back, I hated not being understood. I also hated crying. I got teased for crying when I was younger so now I just try to avoid things that make me vulnerable or might make me tear up. Unfortunately, this has led to resentment and bitterness in ME because I can't forgive or lay down my pride and admit that I'm wrong.
I let little things get under my skin. They say women's emotions are connected to EVERYTHING and guy's brains are compartmentalized. Guys are only in one moment at a time, but girls RELATE everything to something else- even if they're not sure what it is. I've heard and stated before that if something "small" takes you from 0 to 60 in a couple seconds there's an underlying issue that you need to dig up. And I have a lot to dig up and deal with.
Once my book got to more about the husband's role, I began to get discouraged. When we decorated the tree and he couldn't turn off the football game, I was brought back to the section about the husband putting his family first in THAT football scenario. Or when I'm in the Word, reading Christian books showing me how to change, joining a wives group, and leading a small group all to help me grow, I can't help but wonder what HE'S doing to grow. Which led me to a pit.
I felt like we had settled to be mediocre. I felt defeated. I felt weary and lost.
We had a little "tiff"- of course it was something small that in my mind was connected to something big and I hung up the phone and went to the gym. I was there about 30 minutes reading my book and I kept thinking about "if he only WANTED to do this" or "if he just TRIED to do that."
My book started talking about the importance of growing in Christ together. The couple talked about how they not only pray with each other but study the Bible, WORSHIP, and talked about spiritual issues. They were talking about how church shouldn't be the place you learn the most about Jesus, but in your own relationship with Him. I wanted more than JUST to go to church with my hubby. I wanted more than just to pray at meals. I want the Lord to be intertwined with us.
I realized THIS is what the devil wants- DIVISION. Although I was still mad, I got off the elliptical and headed to the Christian bookstore. I had to stop believing the LIE that my husband didn't want to grow in God or want more than a mediocre marriage. I had to stop believing the LIE that growing in my spiritual walk meant that I was taking the leadership position.
On my way there, I was texting a godly friend, Alyssa, who randomly asked how my marriage was. I thought- funny you should ask at THIS moment. I told her about our tiff and she mentioned how her marriage experiences more arguments when their spiritual lives aren't intertwining. I definitely felt like that was the case. She shared with me that this is our first marriage- our FIRST time being a husband and a wife and I need to learn to have GRACE. She was SO right. It's our first time at this and I shouldn't expect everything to be "perfect." Marriage is a process. It's about forgiveness. It's about selflessness. It's about growing together. It's about being stronger as a couple more than when we were single.
I picked up a couples devotional and a daily quote book to sit on the bathroom counter from the Love Dare book so we could get back in a routine of doing devotions at night and start off the day with a great insight.
When I got home, my pride crept back in. I did NOT want to go apologize and though I'd like to say I sucked it up and went and said sorry, I didn't. We played the silent card for a while until he came upstairs to ask if I wanted to talk.
Here came the tears.
I hate those stinkers.
I shared how I felt and the ROOT of why I was mad... he shared how it's not always that he doesn't WANT to but he doesn't know HOW to go about it. I offered to read some of the "First 90 days of Marriage" that pertained to conflicts and then a few pages about the role of a husband. We got to talk about our experiences with our families growing up and how we want to raise our family. We talked about the importance of not just our individual walks with Jesus, but growing in Christ as a couple.
I loved being reassured that he didn't want to be mediocre, he didn't want to have a modern marriage, he didn't want to stop learning or growing, and we were learning how spur each other on towards the greatest relationship EVER!
After all the reading, crying, talking, and praying, we laid in bed holding hands as we fell asleep. I couldn't help but think "HA satan, you have been DEFEATED." I tear up thinking about that picture even now. We conquered DIVISION with UNITY. We conquered weakness with STRENGTH. We conquered hurt with HEALING.
Just because you're on that mountain top doesn't mean others don't want to be there too! They may just need some encouragement on how to get there. And just because you are growing spiritually does NOT mean you are undermining your husband's position as spiritual leader. Each of you need to spur each other on towards love and good deeds, and all the more as you see that day approaching (Hebrews 10:24-25). We need to lay down our pride, be quick to say sorry, and let things go.
