"In Good Company"

Have you ever felt like everyone is just floating along the river of life, barely getting to know you, barely extending a conversation, barely giving a care? I feel like this world just may be too busy to have time to listen to a friend's story. How often do you offer a shoulder to cry on? How often do you get into a challenging conversation that draws you closer to knowing who you are, why you're here, and possibly closer to the God you haven't had much time for either?


When I get into a dry spell of life, a feeling of emptiness, loneliness and feeling like a failure.. I know I need to turn to the Lord. Thank God, by now, I have at least realized WHERE my hope comes from, even if I happen to lose it occasionally. I started questioning, is this what the rest of my life is going to be? This daily routine, EVERY day of my life?

It's easy to lose vision when you take your eyes off Jesus. It's easy to feel like you are unchangeable and stuck when you aren't moving forward in your walk. It's easy to feel like this is the best your life can get when you aren't hearing God's plans for your life.

I started making sure I was at church on Sunday and then CharlotteONE on Tuesday nights. The Lord began to speak to me again about my passion for people who can't find involvement. He stirs up my desires to see this generation and the ones to follow rise up and meet their savior. He makes me realize the need for Him in this city.

Now that I have a tiny miracle in my belly, a little gift that God is knitting together in my womb, I started recognizing the places I go, the people I'm with, the season I'm in, and the importance, yet temporariness of it all. I get so excited to know my baby is feeling the beats and music of God's people praising Him. I get overwhelmed that I am this child's shelter. I become more accountable knowing that what I do affects another. And that is why I can't forget my calling to lead others to Christ and a life of living holy.

I decided to re-start my girl's Bible study group and I joined a wives mentor group that happen to meet on the same night. This past thursday was the start for both of them, and I can't even begin to describe the purpose, the hope, the vision, the dedication the Lord restored to me, and in abundance!

The ladies I met with were like a breath of God. The potential friendships, the deepness, the honestness, was incredible. HERE are the people that will listen. HERE are the people that will pour their heart out and allow the tears to flow. HERE are the people that KNOW God is in control, but yet are vulnerable enough to share their struggles. I found encouragement. I found peace. I found a challenge for my walk. I found a group of believers that would lay hands on my belly and PRAY for my baby. I found people that CARED.

Again I have the urge to bring that type of friendship, that type of growth, that type of encouragement to anyone who wants it. I encourage all of you to seek out a group of believers that can pour into your soul and others that you can pour out on. 

11 months, 12 days sober

I have heard from wise counsel that "anger stems from hurt," and seeming I get so upset from alcohol, I decided to dig deep and see what is REALLY the source-- why do I "HURT" from alcohol? If you think about where alcohol has gotten you, and who'd you be without it- maybe you can relate; if not, at least you'll have a better understanding of how and why I quit drinking.

You never really realize the affect that alcohol can have on your life. You think you're making "memories" but what if you're really making "scars." From the first sip, you can lose yourself. Not just alcohol, but anything you find JOY in can become a stronghold, "a place that serves as the center of the group," a "refuge", your "support" as the dictionary defines it. Among MANY of these that can take away our focus from the Lord and put it on ourselves, alcohol was my first.

Took away my innocence.

Took away my yes's.

Took away my no's.

My outlet.

Quick Fix.

Numbed the pain.

Fogged their name.

Blurred their face.

Let people touch me in ways only a husband should, and I didn't even KNOW them.

No one knew just "ME"... "sober me."

He didn't love me, swear he did, alcohol pushed me in, got me out, and told me i'd be fine.

Alcohol took the BLAME but also BLAMED me too.

I saw my father cry.

I saw my mother hurt.

It broke my relationship that only sisters can have.

Made me happy, made me mean.

Lost more than I ever gained.

A stronghold- something I couldn't do without.

It got between me and prayer, me and the Word, me and church, me and my God.

Took away my passion for serving the Lord.

Felt vile in the holiness of the Lord and my family.

Locked my lips when I needed to speak and opened them when I should've been silent.

Blinded me from my spiritual gifts and talents and I let such beauty go to waste.

I wasn't fulfilling my purpose.

I wrestle with it EVERYDAY.

Delighted in IT more than in the Lord.

Kept me from the church.

Made me feel GUILTY in God's presence.

Condemned when I made it to church hungover.

Strapped down with heavy burdens, hiding who I had become.

Cried for hours about petty things when my heart used to hurt for bigger issues.

Became consumed with me; selfish.

Backstabbed friends, betrayed loyalty, had no meaning to the word "trust."

Relationships lasted as long as the buzz.

Partied all night with you then took your first love.

The tiniest bit of anger towards someone blew up into words that would scar them for life.

Stole the lime light only to take advantage of kindness, and rob them of meaningful friendships.

Almost gave my life to someone I had spent SO much time with, yet knew NOTHING about them.

Contemplated DYING because of that SAME PERSON that I didn't even KNOW.

Emotions out of control.

Always having to prove something.

Blurred memory- was I safe, did I use protection, did I make that call, did I give that advice?

Reassured someone that taking the life of their unborn child was an ok option.

REGRETS.

Took advantage of the people the genuinely cared about me.

Couldn't hold a job, but didn't have money to support myself.

Friends DIED that I PARTIED with, but NEVER shared Jesus or made SURE that they knew they were going to heaven.

Words I can never unsay. Things I can never undo. Texts/messages I can never unsend.

Ruined the best present a 16yr old new driver could ask for!

Rebelled against leaders that truly had my best interest at heart.

Ruined reputation.

Defiled and exposed the body that God gave me- my temple, His image, His child.

Pursued being an object of desire instead of real relationships.

Flaunted and taunted though I'm taught to conceal.

Warped outlook; future in my hands; put thoughts as a "coke addicted stripper in Vegas" like a dream job.

Competed against the Holy Spirit inside of me.

Felt like I was only good for one thing.

Produced "bad fruit" proclaiming the Spirit was not in me.

Severed me as a limb from the tree of Life.

People made excuses for me.

Felt like an unanswered prayer that my Christian friends and family

were constantly praying for.

Let my eyes see filthy rotten things they never should have seen.

Let my heart beat for things it never should have loved.

Let my mind go filthy places it never should have gone.

Made life a game- I wanted to win, I wanted to score, I wanted to chase, nothing deeper.

Everything was gray, nothing was black and white or right and wrong- just depended on the circumstance.

Made people either friends or enemies- no forgiveness, no mercy, all out hatred.

Saw the worst in people and what they were lacking and also in myself.

JUDGED people.

I swore on the Holy Bible that I didn't do something I actually did- I lied under oath, blasphemed God.

Stirred up lust, made my brothers stumble.

That was old, I am NEW.

I want to be sober when my Savior returns.

I want to be ready "in the twinkling of an eye," I want to bow before my King, humbly,

just "ME."

One sip, one night, one phase just may lead to feeling/ doing any of the above OR may cause your sister/brother/ best friend/husband/wife/ gf/ bf to experience these things because you ENCOURAGED that drink. Where does my anger stem from? Who ever would have guessed!? When I see alcohol, smell it, feel it, THIS is where my mind goes- BACK to all those things I did; to that person that I WAS.

Praise God that REPENTANCE has wiped my slate clean! I AM a NEW creation. I AM secure in JUST being ME. 11 months, 12 days sober and getting further and further from where I've been.

1 Peter 3:4"...we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now!"

Mark 3:28 "...There's nothing done or said that can't be forgiven. But if you persist in your slanders against God's Holy Spirit, you are repudiating the very One who forgives, sawing off the branch on which you're sitting, severing by your own perversity all connection with the One who forgives."

1 Peter 1:23 "...Your new life is not like your old life"

Galations 6:1 "If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out."

Wedding Kiss= First Kiss!

Since I only wanted to pay for basic cable, I started watching the Duggar Family on Discovery Health. At first, I was critical of their entire lifestyle, along with most of the viewing population. They have 17 children and one on the way. They home-school their kids, monitor their tv, internet, and basically anything dealing with the rest of the world. The girls wear long skirts and conservative clothing. The boys work on the cars, the yard, and other "manly" jobs, while the girls work on the dishes, the cleaning, the laundry, and the other traditional "womanly" jobs.

When I was watching, I was like.. are they serious?? They must have no friends, no fun, and no life! One of the sons, Josh, was courting this girl, and they've never even kissed! In fact, they were waiting til their wedding day to open their intimacy! I mean, come on, people say that they're gonna wait til marriage to have sex, and face it, even that's a stretch in today's society, but kissing... I just HAD to see that episode!

Part of me looked at them and was like that would suck! I could NEVER do that or live that way! He is probably going to suck at kissing and intimacy! Going in for the kiss on their wedding day, I assumed they'd bump heads just before they pecked for the first time.

BUT, then, as I watched, I grew more open to WHY they lived that way... I believe that THIS is how God ordained life to be. Where mothers and fathers loved God first, then each other, then their children. They train their children up in the Lord, to be focused on loving Him and serving others. Teaching skills useful in life AND relationships. We see in Proverbs 31 (According to The Message Bible) the role of a woman:

"She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast
for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
diligent in homemaking.
She's quick to assist anyone in need,
reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn't worry about her family when it snows;
their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise...

...Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
Festoon her life with praises!"

If you watch the mom, Michelle Duggar, she is so close to this Biblical model. Not just anyone would want this life-style. I think it would be sooo difficult to commit to this. That's why I see, even in their own marriage, they were meant for each other. God brought them together to love, to lead, and to instruct under God's plan and provision. There's no doubt in my mind that they were created for one another. Not many marriages, in today's society can you look at and say that. They agree with each other's leadership. The husband submits to God and the wife submits to her husband.

(Ephesians 5:22 says, "Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.")

So back to this whole not kissing thing... The wedding episode FINALLY came on! Every time Anna and Josh were together, they would only hold hands or give a good old "side hug." But the crazy thing to me is that they loved each other, anyway. When he looked into her eyes and said "I love you," she never had to confuse it with, "he just loves my body," or "he is just saying that to get me in bed later." They developed this unexplainable closeness and genuine love for each other. They genuinely LIKED each other for all the right reasons... their character, the way they handled problems, the way they loved their family, the way they served, the way they both had never found another like the one they had now, the way they both had enough self-control to be pure- in every sense of the word. No one escapes their desires, but I believe the Duggars knew that limiting the things that fueled those desires, ultimately fueled love.

Before the ceremony, Josh's dad had a man to man talk with him. He gave him a tape and a book teaching how to show physical intimacy now that they were married. He also advised his son that his wife may not "always be in the mood," and that while he would want to show his love one way, he still had to cherish his wife; to listen to her and care about the small things. I feel like there is only a small percentage of marriages today, where the husband actually CHERISHES is wife.

So, they're standing at the altar, and Mr. Duggar announces that this would be their first... Josh doesn't waste a minute, but lovingly grabs the face of his bride with both hands and kisses her with all the intimacy and love in the world. This was HIS bride, HIS one, HIS only. It almost brought tears to my eyes knowing that this is what God had intented for ALL of us. To not 'arouse or awaken love until it so desires'; to save your self for marriage; to come from the authority of your earthly father and be pledged to your husband.

Some things that stick out to me, watching this story, is that these are the people that should have 17+ children. These are the type of parents God created us to be. These are the type of children that are truly His own. We hear on the news about that other woman wanting to have a family and children so bad that she took fertility meds to have 8 babies. We are not to impose on God's perfect plan. I believe that God knew the Duggars were living, learning, and teaching by His will and purposely blessed them with a big family. I feel so bad that I scrutinized their family for doing all of the things the Bible teaches us to do.

Also, I thought that when you meet "the one" you would have a physical chemistry; that you would immediately see yourself being intimate with them, and then you look for the personality and character that would sustain a relationship with that person. Now, I am changing my mind. I think that sometimes, if we strike that chemistry first, we will see their character through rose-colored glasses, assuming they are the one for us. You will start sacrificing qualities you wanted, because you start subtly relying on your feelings. I've heard so much recently, that love is NOT a feeling. Your heart is the most vile part of you. You can't trust your feelings because they are always changing with the wind. Instead, you are to have wisdom. Let you mind lead your heart.

Now, I am thinking that you are supposed to fall in love with someone's character first, and the chemistry will build. I've heard from couples explaining the difference between sex with someone outside of marriage and sex within a marriage with the man God created for you. They say that it is the most amazing thing when a man is looking at you and loving the complete woman that you are. That he genuinely loves everything about and he has made a commitment to not just be there for the night, but to be there for LIFE. That he has chosen you to be his bride over every other woman in the universe. That God is happy for you to share your intimacy with one another, after all, He created sex. He created it for you and your husband. With all that said, I am willing to give up all these temporary flings, all the heart break, all the intimacy I have created to fulfil my desire for a moment, and I want what God has. He knows who "the One" is, and I want to look to Him to bring it. I was reading on Josh and Anna's website, they wrote, "If you have made mistakes, start from where you are and let God be the sole proprietor of your love life!" I think that is so inspiring and encouraging.

So before we go criticizing choices and lifestyles people have chosen, let's examine the reasoning behind it and the benefits from it!